It hit Ben then. That while Ben had hoped it would be romantic, it might also be a lot for Alexei, who didn’t like surprises, who was easily overwhelmed.
“Hey.” Ben stepped forward. “Lex. Are you okay?”
When Alexei didn’t say anything, only kept looking around above their heads, Ben started to panic. “I’m sorry,” he blurted out. “I know it’s a little extra. Our sisters thought it was a good idea, but—” He glanced over to the bench, where a basket sat, full of Fruit Loops and gummy bears. Part of him was thrilled it hadn’t been stolen by a gang of squirrels, but also, maybe he should have just met Alexei and, like, talked quietly over tea.
But when he turned back, Alexei was finally looking at him. And he was smiling again. Small, but there.
“Cranes,” he said.
Ben breathed out. “Cranes,” he agreed. And then, “Do you need to sit down?”
“Yes,” Alexei answered immediately. “Yes, that would be good.”
Ben tried to shove the basket behind the bench before Alexei saw it, but he was too late. Alexei whisked it out of his hand, placing it on his lap as he sat down. Ben sat next to him, careful to give him space, trying not to fidget too hard.
Alexei stared at the treats before he asked, “Why?” He turned toward Ben. “Why do all this for me? I’m supposed to be the one apologizing to you.”
Ben waved this off. “You apologized in the letters. And I wanted to.”
Alexei frowned. “The letters weren’t good enough. Ben, I’m so sorry.”
“I know, Lex.” Ben turned, unable, in fact, to sit still, propping a knee on the bench. “I keep thinking about you leaving in the middle of the night like that, all alone, and…”Ben shook his head. “It wasn’t about me, was it? You must have been hurting. You must have been hurting so much.”
Alexei breathed in, slow and deep, returning his stare to the Fruit Loops.
“No, it wasn’t about you. But I still should have thought about you, when I left, how it would affect you. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I know.” Ben had to curl his fingers into his palms, to keep from reaching out and taking Alexei’s hand. “And I’m sorry, too, by the way. For not telling you right away, as soon as I got the call about the job.”
It almost felt silly even to talk about this; it all felt so far away now. But Alexei nodded gravely, like he was grateful. “How is your job?”
“It’s good.” For a second, Ben forgot that he hadn’t actually told Alexei about it yet. That he’d never sent any of those letters. “It’s great, actually.”
“Good.” Alexei gave another of those grave nods. “And Carolina?”
“She’s good, too, Lex. But—” Ben took a deep breath. “Can we maybe talk about us?”
Alexei froze. Looked out at the river. From somewhere above them, there came a sweet, whistling song, rising over the distant roar of the highway.
“Hermit thrush,” Alexei said quietly.
Ben almost cried again.
“Alexei,” he said instead, “I’m sorry we didn’t talk more, first of all, about how coming to Nashville, being around my family, would affect you. Because it was hard, right? It must have been,” he filled in before Alexei could answer, do another one of those sad nods that were slowly killing him. “And I hope it doesn’t feel like I’m talking down to you when I say this, but I just need you to know that my family will always be yours, too, Lex. Doesn’t mean they’d replace yours. But no matter what happens after today, you’ll always have a home with the Caravalhos in Nashville. I promise. And—”
Ben pushed up the sleeves of his shirt. Was about to press on when Alexei interrupted his thoughts.
“Ben.” Alexei’s voice was so quiet, it made Ben go still. “Ben, what is that?”
Ben looked down. Oh. Alexei must have seen the beak.
He pulled his sleeve up to his elbow so Alexei could see the full tattoo, done in grayscale. The puffy body, the black head. Intricate patterns shaded down toward the soft belly and tail feathers. The ink was fresh but healed now, the lines crisp, the dark ink of the bird’s head stark against his skin. The artist, a buddy of Khalil’s, had done a fantastic job.
Ben felt a bit embarrassed about it, though, in the here and now. He hadn’t meant to reveal it this way. Hadn’t actually thought about it much at all in his planning of this trip, even though he should have. Of course Alexei was going to see it.
“It’s a dark-eyed junco.”
“I know,” Alexei said, voice still quiet as a desert morning.
