Now it’s my turn to look at the valley. The oak trees on the far ridge are still. A hawk circles above them, rising without effort.The coffee is warm in my hands and the breeze smells like dry grass and I need a second.
How do I do this? How do I sit here, with a man I was intimate with, and tell him that a few days ago I slept with one of his friends. That yesterday another one kissed me.
I can barely make sense of it myself. The thought of saying it out loud, of watching his face change while I say it, makes something in me want to go quiet.
But I'm not doing that anymore.
I take a breath.
"Me and Adrian." I find the courage I need and go on, "After he picked me up from the station. We...we…" I stop again. The words are right there.
But, I don’t need to say them. Carter finishes the sentence for me and says, "Slept together."
I nod.
He looks away. His jaw tightens, just slightly, the muscle moving once. He looks at some fixed point in the valley, brings his coffee up slowly, takes a sip and sets it back on his knee.
The silence is heavy.
I wait. I don't try to fill it. The hawk is still circling. The grass below us moves in a long, slow wave.
After a moment: "Do you have feelings for him?Or is it just…" He doesn't look at me when he says it. He makes a small vague gesture with his free hand, leaving the alternative unspoken.
"It's complicated." I look at my coffee. "I do. We kind of just… it wasn't planned. There's something between us I don't really understand." A pause. "The same way there's something between me and you."
He turns and looks at me.
I feel the heat in my face before I've finished the sentence. I set my coffee down on the bench. Then I cover my face with both hands.
"God." My voice comes out muffled. "I'm sorry, that came out— I'm not trying to—"
His hands close around my wrists and he pulls them gently down from my face.
He looks at me. "You don't owe anybody any justification. You're a grown woman." A pause. Something shifts in his expression. "As long as you're not deceiving anyone." He holds my gaze. "Including yourself."
I think of what he just said about the truth. About how important it is to him. And I think, this is already so complicated beyond repair I might just get it all out in the open.
"Yesterday William kissed me." I say it quickly, followed by a short self-deprecating laugh. "But, there is nothing to worry about there. He only did it because he was furious that I was poking him."
Carter stares at me. I can see the shock in his face as he tries to absorb this information.
I keep going. "Also, Adrian made it very clear he's not looking for anything serious, so that's..." I trail off.
I don't know how to end that sentence.
Carter looks like a man who has been handed more information than he asked for and is deciding, carefully, what to do with it. Like a man choosing not to say several things.
He stands briefly, walks to the small bin at the end of the path and drops both empty cups. Then he comes back and sits, closer than before. He takes my hand.
He looks down at it.
"You have scratches on your hand."
"It’s from the rose bushes," I say.
“You should wear gloves.” He admonishes.
I just shrug. I should.
