Hope shown in her eyes, but was quickly clouded with doubt. It was nothing I could fix today or even this week. It would take time for her to see that I would never leave her.
I was in this forever.
49
ELLIE
Walkinginto my house felt surreal after the last week. Not a thing had changed. My blanket was tossed haphazardly across the back of the couch just like I left it. My shoes were still by the island from where I’d kicked them off the last time I came home. And a few dishes were stacked by the sink, ready to be washed.
Yet, there wasn’t a single part of me that remained the same.
“Okay?” Ryder asked as he gently shut the door behind me.
I did my best not to flinch. I wasn’t afraid of Ryder. If anything, I was more afraid that I would become too attached to him, too reliant on his warmth and strength to chase away my demons.
But for a moment, I forgot he was behind me, and memories of being taken from the side of the road flashed through my mind.
I took a deep breath, calming my mind as best I could. I was home, and the man who attacked me was dead. Though, according to Ryder, no one knew the man was dead aside from JR, Archer, and Ryder. The police “assumed” I escaped and the man was now on the run.
I was pretty sure Maverick and Remi knew the truth.
Not that I would say anything. I would never get anyone in trouble after they saved my life.
“Hey,” Ryder said, brushing his fingers down my arm. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly.
For so long, I had pretended I was always okay, but I could no longer do that, and I wouldn’t lie to Ryder when he was doing everything possible to help me.
“What can I do?”
Glancing over my shoulder, I gave a faint smile. “Get in pajamas and lounge on the couch with me while we watch movies and eat junk food.”
“I can definitely do that,” he murmured, sliding his hands around my waist as he leaned in and pressed a kiss to my cheek.
He’d been very careful not to kiss me too much or move too quickly around me. He was even more cautious when he held me, which I was extremely grateful for. One day, I would be better. I wouldn’t be so jumpy or so scared. But for right now, I needed him to be gentle with me, and I was so thankful I didn’t need to explain that.
“Come on. Let’s get you in something more comfortable. Those scrubs have to be irritating.”
“They are,” I said, glancing down at the blue uniform Caroline gave me.
“Do you want a hot shower?”
More than anything. I still felt so dirty, no matter how many times I took a shower in the hospital.
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Shower first.”
He didn’t even ask if he could join me as he led me into the bathroom. He just turned on the water and pressed a kiss to my cheek before walking out. But as I stared at the tiles on the wall,all I could think about was how much I wanted Ryder to erase the memory of that man’s hands.
I just didn’t know if I could ask for that.
My emotions were all over the place, jumbled up in a knot that was growing by the second in the pit of my stomach. I hated the idea of being alone, but I also wasn’t sure I was ready for Ryder to see me so vulnerable, and I didn’t know how to ask him for what I needed.
As the steam fogged up the bathroom, I stood there contemplating whether or not I wanted to open the door and say the words.
You can do this, Ellie. Just say the words. He’s been so good to you. You haven’t been scared of him once.
