Cole
“Got everything?” It’s only as I ask the question that I hear a hint of desperation in my voice.
“Yep.” Jane’s sitting in front of her computer, her backpack parked next to her chair. She’s intently working on something in the avatar’s hand. I have to admit that I’m pretty impressed, not only with Jane’s creation—even if it’s only slightly better than first-generation Super Mario Brothers characters—but also with Holly and Mikey for teaching the girls—and boy—this level of expertise in only four weeks. It’s impressive.
The thought of Holly shoots a pang of regret and loneliness through my already aching heart. Logan, who has been surprisingly supportive, thinks I need to just talk to her, but I told him that I’m not sure what to say.
“I’m sorrywould be a good ice breaker,” he suggested with plenty of sarcasm. “Even though it’s a phrase you’re not too fond of using.”
“I apologize,” I say defensively.
“Yeah, to the people close to you, but rarely anyone else. Maybe you should think aboutthat.”
He hung up before I could either protest or ask what he meant, but I know what he meant. It’s time to fish or cut bait. Either Holly is in my inner circle or she isn’t.
Why am I stalling when I know I want her to be there?
I’d unblocked her on the Matchmake Me app the night after I pretty much kicked her to the curb, and “Hot Rod” apologized for ghosting her.
(See? I apologize. Take that, Logan.)
We’ve been talking ever since—platonically—which has actually been really nice. Holly and I have so much fire to our relationship that it sometimes obliterates everything else. This has given us a chance to get to know each other better—even if she doesn’t know she’s talking to me.
I’m not sure she’d ever guess either, because Hot Rod agrees that Cole was an utter ass and doesn’t deserve her. Judith might have blocked out a few details, but Holly’s feelings came across loud and clear. I hurt her. Badly. Again. I can’t help but think of Holly back in high school, spilling her secrets to me. It was a really dick move on my part to put distance between us after that. Holly also told Hot Rod something else I didn’t know: she saw me kissing someone else the weekend after I kissed her at Salt and Bone, on her birthday. Fuck. She may have told me that our kiss was a mistake, but it hadn’t felt like a mistake, and instead of manning up, I’d gone off to try to forget her the only way I knew how.
Maybe that’s why I haven’t approached her, because I know she deserves better.
Or maybe I need to become a better man.
First, I need to make things right with my daughter, but I’m not so sure I can do that until I patch things up with Holly.
Talk about a vicious circle.
“You’ve got your cell phone?” I ask.
“Yes, Dad,” she says, sounding irritated.
“You know you can call me anytime you want. I have my phone with me, so I’ll answer right away, and if you change your mind and want to come home early, you can do that too.”
“I know, Dad. You’ve already told me like five times.”
There’s a knock at the back door, and my heart begins to race. “Sounds like the driver’s here.”
Millie would hate every bit of this, which only makes me hate it more.
I’ve done a lot of soul-searching since Brittany’s talk, and I realize that Ihaveput Millie on a pedestal. We had a great relationship, and I loved her with my entire being, but she wasn’t perfect. I’m not so sure I agree with Brittany’s assessment that Millie put the brewery before me and Jane. She was just driven—something she’d recognized and sometimes lamented. She always claimed she’d gotten it from her grandfather. Honestly, it was a trait I’d loved about her because it made up for my periodic lack of ambition.
But the truth is, I’m far from perfect. I’m stubborn and bullheaded, and sometimes I dig my feet in just because.
Kind of like I’m doing now.
I don’t like change much, and losing Millie was more change than I could handle. I think that’s the real reason I’ve held off getting into another relationship—not because I didn’t think anyone could measure up to Millie, or I worried they wouldn’t love me enough, but because I was scared of losing someone else.
The irony is, I’ve already lost Holly, and it’s my own damn fault.
I see Jane to the door, where the driver is standing on the porch. Just when I think she’s going to leave without saying goodbye, she turns and wraps her arms around my waist.
“Please go to Rory’s,” she says, her voice muffled because her face is buried in my shirt. “I don’t want you to be alone.”
