I grab my journal and sit on the floor next to the foot of my bed. I get one of my fancy colored pens and open to a fresh page, writing the date across the top. I like to look back and know what was going on in my head and see how far I’ve come since then.
I tap the pen to my chin before starting the list.
I want a real relationship
I don’t want there to be anyone else
I don’t want to feel like I’m ‘too much’
I don’t want to be treated like a secret
I want sex
I want to be able to talk about my feelings…and know about yours
I want to have more than just sex
Looking over the list, I take a deep breath. I knew I wanted something real with Max, that wasn’t anything new. But I knew how she felt about relationships; she wasn’t interested in having one, especially with me.
Why am I even doing this? Why has she asked me out? Max said she wasn’t just trying to get me into bed, and I like to think she wasn’t lying to me despite everything. But then why now? Would she have still asked me out if she hadn’t run into me at the photoshoot in DC? I didn’t even know she unblocked my phone number until I saw her call coming in. It shocked the hell out of me to see her name appear on my phone again. We’d only texted once since then, when she asked if I was okay with going bowling. I thought it sounded like a fun date so I said yes. The old Max never would’ve asked me to go bowling.
Maybe Shirley was right, maybe Max had worked on herself in the same ways I had. I bite the bullet and call her. Too much could get lost over texting, and I didn’t want to lose my nerve.
“Hey, what’s up?” Max answers.
“You got a minute?”
“Uh, sure, all good?” I can hear the hesitation in her voice.
“Yeah, I just want to clear some things up. About our date,” I clarify.
“Okay, what’s up?” Max asks.
“It’s more about me saying some things to let you know where I’m at. I don’t want there to be any confusion,” I say.
“Okay…” Max waits for me to continue.
“I’m not looking to go back to the way things were. It was incredibly toxic and hard on my mental health. I’ve worked hard to be in a good spot, and that includes voicing my needs. So if you’re interested in taking me out, you should know I’m looking for a serious relationship. If that doesn’t line up with your needs, I don’t think we should go out. I don’t want to waste our time or cause unnecessary drama,” I say it in one full breath because I’m afraid that if I don’t, it won’t come out.
Max chuckles. “God you’re cute. I wouldn’t have asked you out if I didn’t want to date you. I think you know that about me. But I’m glad we’re talking about this. I’d like for us to take things slow, but let’s say our first few dates go well, then I’d be interested in seeing what a relationship looks like with you.”
I let out a deep breath. That definitely wasn’t the response I was expecting.
“I know, you didn’t expect that. And that’s okay. I was a shitty person, and I’m doing what I can to right all those wrongs. But trust me when I say I’m doing what I can to woo you and show you I’ve changed,” Max says.
“Okay,” I say, shocked.
“Now, I’m at a shoot, but if you wanna chat more about this before Thursday, I can call you later. Is that okay?” Max asks. She had left her shoot to answer my call? That was unheard of.
“Uh, no no. I’m okay, I’m glad we’re on the same page.”
“Me too. Can’t wait to see you.”
Max hangs up, leaving me more confused than I have ever been. Maybe Shirley was right, this date wouldn’t just be our first, but a chance for us to get to really know each other.
Chapter Twenty-Four
MAX
