“And that didn’t bother you?” She raises an eyebrow.
I sigh. “Well it wasn’t my favorite thing, but I knew if I pushed her too much on it then she would end everything.”
“So instead of voicing your opinions and feelings on things, you chose to stay quiet so you could keep what you could get?”
“Yes.”
“Do you think it would be beneficial to discuss what you want out of this moving forward to prevent that from happening again? Or would you like to go back to just getting whatever she gives you?” Shirley asks.
“Of course not, it’s beneficial to talk to you about what I want.”
“And then to Max?”
I frown, I knew the right answer, of course. But I also knew what part of me was leaning toward. Of course, I was thinking with my vagina, knowing how good sex with Max was. The part of me that hadn’t seen much action except for my collection of vibrators and dildos. I was in a bit of a drought, taking a break from women while I worked on myself. It had been better for the most part. Except now that I was going to see Max again, i’s like my vagina is waking up and remembering. It was used to high end caviar and I’ve been giving it fish in a can. Maybe that isn’t the best analogy for my pussy, but I know what I mean.
“Cari?” Shirley prompts, making me realize how long I’ve gone quiet.
“Sorry, I was thinking.” I glance at the clock, it was past six minutes. “I’ll be right back. I have to rinse this off.”
I excuse myself to the bathroom and wash my face. I return with a dry face and take a sip of my water.
Shirley is still waiting for me to say something, so I start, “Yes, you’re right, I do want to talk to her, and I know I should talk to her about what I want. But I’ve also been here before, and I’m worried I’m going to think with my vagina and sleep with her. Even though she promised me otherwise.” I sigh.
“Promised you otherwise, how?”
“When she asked me out, I sort of hesitated because she made it seem like she wanted to hook up. But then she clarified and promised we’d have our clothes on the whole time, and it was an actual date,” I explain.
“Is this different from the past with her?”
“Yes. In the past, she’d do anything to avoid using the word date and would only want to see me if our clothes weren’t on. So this is a bit of new territory for me. She said she wants to take me to this bowling alley in Brooklyn and grab some food on the way.”
“It sounds like she’s trying to change. Is it possible that she used your time apart to heal parts of herself as you did?” Shirley asks.
“I mean, I guess. It wasn’t something I really considered. She seems the same to me, but almost like not as stressed? She used to always look so stressed, and I felt like I was always trying to fix it. But I don’t know if now I’m just not trying to fix it or she really is less stressed.”
“That makes sense. She might be working on things of her own, and you might be more in tune with your own feelings instead of worrying about everyone else’s,” Shirley says. “Do you think maybe you could treat this like a first date? Like despite your history maybe let things be as it would with someone brand new?”
“Like not sleep with her?” I ask, confused.
“Well, yes. But also, treat it as a chance to get to know her. Maybe don’t assume you know everything about her, especially since you spent six months apart. You could try getting to know this version of Max while letting her get to know this version of Cari. Maybe these are the versions of you both that are compatible.”
“Oh. But what if we aren’t compatible?”
“Then so what? Would you be upset if you gave it a chance, or will you be happy that at least you tried?”
“I-I mean, I’d be upset, but it’s not like it would be the worst thing to happen to us,” I admit. “I guess I’d be happy we gave it a try when we were both doing well.”
“Exactly. It might be a good idea to manage expectations before this date and have a conversation with Max about what you’re both looking for. I wouldn’t normally recommend this, but since there’s a complicated history, it might be beneficial.”
“Like making sure this isn’t some long play to sleep with me?” I ask.
“Yes, setting boundaries is something you’ve had trouble with in the past, so this might be the chance to practice that. If you’re clear about what you want and what you’re looking for out of this, it might clear up miscommunications in the future.”
“Okay.” I nod.
“That’s all for us today, but I suggest writing it out in your journal before you speak with her. Think about what you’re really looking for and see if that’s something that matches with her expectations. Just don’t treat it like a conversation because you shouldn’t negotiate your boundaries.”
“Okay,” I say, closing my laptop.
