“What?” I can’t hold back my response; I am baffled.
“Is it possible because of Chelsea, you weren’t able to hold a proper relationship with Cari?”
“What? No. Cari was the issue; she was too wild and always pushing for more with us.” What is he saying? Ben knows this.
“I’d like to remind you of something you once said about Cari, ‘she’s like a breath of fresh air’. You said that shortly after meeting her and spending, I believe, an entire weekend with her?”
“So?” What the hell is he hinting at? I’m getting increasingly pissed off with him today.
“So, then what happened there? How did we get to the place of you ending things?” he asks.
I think about it for a moment. Cari and I were good in the beginning; it was simple and easy. I actually thought things were going to last long-term. Then one night, months later, Chelsea popped up as a recommended friend, and I thought I was healed enough to look. She was someone I loved once, but it was weird not being her friend; surely I could see what she was up to without me.
Finding out she was married stung, but the icing on the cake was learning she had married just six months after our almost-wedding.
It completely ruined me. I broke things off with Cari before they had the chance to get fucked up like they did with Chelsea. I figured that if I was the one to end things, maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much to have her out of my life. The same thing I tried doing this time, of course, didn’t actually work either. The realization hits me like a ton of bricks: Cari wasn’t the problem; I was.
“I ended things with Cari before she could end things. Because I didn’t want to be left again.” I sigh.
“Which could be connected to…”
“Chelsea, and the way she left me. Which probably wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t know she got remarried so soon after me. Making me feel easily replaced and rejected.”
“Now, what do you think are the long-term effects of leaving people before they leave you?”
I frown. “Being alone?”
“Yes. And if that’s your goal, then that’s fine. But I know you, Max, I don’t think that’s what you actually want out of life. Someone who wants to be alone usually doesn’t ask someone to marry them and plan to be with them forever. No matter the outcome.”
“You sound like Aspen.” I roll my eyes.
“Well, she’s very insightful then. And if I recall correctly, your best friend. So maybe we’ve got a point?”
“I-I don’t want to be alone.” My voice cracks, and I clench my jaw to keep from crying. I hate fucking crying. It’s not me.
“Now this is not to persuade you one way or another, but is it possible if you were honest with Cari about how you felt and you didn’t leave her preemptively that things could’ve worked out?” Ben asks.
I pause to consider what he said. I’d never considered that before. I was the type to leave and not think twice about it. That’s why I had one-night stands, I didn’t have to think about them once I left. I didn’t say I’d call the next day or promise to see them again. When I met Cari, that’s all I thought she was and would ever be. Even after spending more time with her, I still thought it might have been temporary. It wasn’t until she’d already worked her way into my heart that I knew I wasn’t getting out unscathed.
She had taken the time to see me, the real me that I too often hid. Sure, she loved fucking me, but she also loved seeing the person behind the strap. Too many times, we’d text all night, talk on the phone, and spend time going to places late at night just to see each other. I hadn’t wanted to admit what it was, and for a while, I think she knew that and was just happy being with me in any form.
It was too scary for me to admit that she could be anything more than my friend with benefits. Despite the benefits becoming more and more intimate. I had lied to myself about the sex being so good because it was intimate. It was just us; it didn’t matter that she looked into my eyes or that I loved falling asleep in her arms. I was lying to myself until I no longer could. Until I was falling in love with her, and I knew how horrible it would feel when she left me.
“What are you thinking about right now?” Ben asks, breaking me from my thoughts.
It’s then I feel the tears that have been pouring down my cheeks. I glance at the clock, noticing our time is up. “I-I have to go.” I mutter.
“I don’t have another client coming in for a bit. Why don’t we keep going?” Ben suggests softly.
I nod.
“Tell me where you went just now when you were quiet. What was your thought process?” he asks.
“I was thinking about how happy Cari made me in the beginning. How she made me feel seen and how that—how that scared the shit out of me,” I admit.
“Because it had been so long since someone had? Or because no one ever had?”
“Because no one ever had. Chelsea and I weren’t compatible in the same ways. She didn’t know me the way Cari did, and she definitely didn’t try to see me in the same ways. I couldn’t lie toCari the way I could with Chelsea. No matter what I did or said, I knew she saw through me,” I admit, wiping my eyes. Ben hands me a box of tissues and I take it, wiping my eyes and blowing my nose.
