“I forgive you. You were shitty, but I do forgive you. I don’t necessarily want to be friends, but I don’t want to have to avoid you at parties either. I think we’re both adults who can be civil,” Gus says with a half-smile.
“Thank you, I appreciate that.” It’s honestly more than I could have anticipated, but this is Gus after all.
“If you do anything to hurt Gus again—” Emily starts but this time I’m the one to cut her off.
“You don’t have to say a word. Trust me, that’s not happening.” I nod.
“Good,” Emily says.
“We better get going.” Gus wraps their arms around Emily.
We exchange Happy New Year’s before heading in opposite directions. I’m on my way back to my apartment, suddenly craving lo mein, and I want to journal about this.
I had hoped I’d get the chance to apologize to Gus and Emily, but it wasn’t like I could call them up.
There is something symbolic about it happening today. Like maybe I am starting a new chapter after all. I mean sure, there are some things left hanging in the balance of this year. But maybe next year could be a fresh start for me.
Chapter Eighteen
MAX
“You sold your engagement ring,” Ben says, like more of a statement despite the question in his voice.
“Well, it wasn’t mine. I sold that years ago, but hers, yes.” I shrug. Not that Chelsea ever bothered to ask me, but I had gotten a matching set for her engagement ring and wore mine religiously.
“And you don’t have any feelings about that?” Ben asks.
“I’m glad it’s gone, and I’m happy to have gotten some cash from it.”
“But no feelings about the door closing on that chapter of your life with her?” he asks.
“As far as I’m concerned, we closed that chapter years ago. This was just a ring, not like it was giving me hope we’d somehow get back together.”
“Understandable. And how did you leave things with Chelsea?” he asks.
I explain our interaction, telling him how she tried to be nice and joke with me, but I shut it down. I wasn’t interested in being friends with my ex-fiancée. I know some lesbians can be friends with their exes and that’s cool for them, but that definitely isn’tme. I like to cut ties completely with my exes, not have them hanging around like old furniture. I tell him about how I finally got to say my piece and tell her all the things I’ve left unsaid all this time. I am a bit proud of how I was able to tell her how I feel without first talking it over in therapy.
“You didn’t want to hear her out?” Ben asks, scribbling something down.
“No. All I’ve ever done is hear her out, have her leave me at the altar, and see her move on. I got the ring back; there’s nothing else she could say that is going to affect my life in any way,” I say sharply.
“What did you feel seeing her? Any residual feelings resurfacing?” he asks.
“The only feeling I have when I think about her is anger. For so long she made me feel like shit. Like I did something wrong, but the truth is I didn’t do anything. She just didn’t love me, and we never would’ve made it work. We were like two puzzle pieces being forced together, but belonging to the wrong puzzle,” I say.
“I love the metaphor. You felt forced together?” Ben asks.
“Yeah, like, even the things that I didn’t love about her I liked. But she seemed to always want to change me. I thought maybe over time, marriage or life would fix it, but she just didn’t love me the way I loved her. She saved us an expensive divorce.” I sigh.
“Do you think there’s any relation from Chelsea to another one of your relationships?” he asks.
“No,” I answer too quickly. He pauses, looking at me again, as if to say think about it for real. “Do you mean Cari?”
“It wouldn’t hurt to revisit your past relationships in a safe space, especially when discussing the closure of another.”
“Fine, so what similarity does Cari have to Chelsea? They were nothing alike, except for being blonde.” It’s not like I’ve had any other relationships outside of Cari since Chelsea.
“Okay, I usually let you figure these things out, but you might need a little help here. Is it possible that your relationship with Cari failed because of your residual worries from Chelsea?” Ben asks.
