It’s the first time in weeks someone has held my hand. It feels more intimate than I expected. Not like I am suddenly falling for River or something, but just knowing how much she loves and cares for me. She is someone I trust wholeheartedly and knowing that even when she is upset with me, she always has my best interests at heart.
It shouldn’t surprise me; we’ve been friends for over twenty years. But for some reason, I always feel like I had to test the love of those around me. Like, do they really love me? Will they stay no matter what?
It isn’t fair, but it was like a game in my head trying to figure out how much they’ll take on for me. I don’t do it consciously, but I also don't stop it.
“Do you think Gus and Max will ever forgive me?” I ask quietly.
“I think for now, it might be best to leave them both alone. Gus is happy, and I’d like to see it stay that way. Maybe one day you’ll be able to work things out, but for now, maybe try not to think about it,” River says.
“You do realize that’s impossible for me?” I ask with an awkward chuckle.
“I know, but I’m hopeful that the more therapy you do it’ll be easier for you. Aspen didn’t always believe me at first, either, but you saw how much therapy helped her. I know you’ve already been seeing Shirley for some time, but maybe now you’re ready to deep dive into all the things you’ve been keeping close to your chest.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, all the issues with your family, and why you think what Max was giving you was enough. You deserve the world, and I know you see that in yourself in a lot of ways, but for some reason, when it comes to relationships, you settle for less.” River sighs.
“It’s like that quote from ‘Perks of Being a Wallflower’ right? We accept the love we think we deserve.”
It was one of my favorite movies growing up, and that line might be ingrained in my brain.
“But who says that’s what you deserve?” River says.
My eyebrows furrow together, and I think about that. I don’t know what made me think being with Max to any degree was enough. Deep down I knew it wasn’t, which is why I was always begging for more. Searching for crumbs or signs that I’d eventually get more than she could offer. River was right, she wasn’t capable of being with me right now in the ways I wanted. Not that I was any better.
The last thing I can do right now is be accountable for anyone else’s feelings. I’m not ready for a relationship, and all I am doing is searching for one. Probably so I didn’t have to think about what is really going on with me.
If I could bury myself in a relationship with someone else or someone else’s issues, then things wouldn’t be so bad with me. The only problem is that my problems follow me wherever I go. Which is why, despite blowing up my life so publicly, even when I tried to escape from it, I couldn’t.
“Why don’t we let my therapist handle my existential breakthrough, and we can relax with a cheesy rom-com from the early 2000s?” I suggest shaking the thoughts from my head.
“Only if you get the remote because I’m in a sushi coma and I do not want to move.” River smiles.
“Deal.” I laugh, grabbing the remote and tossing it to River.
She’s cuddled under a Christmas blanket, which makes me realize how close we are to the holidays. I’ve spent so much time trying to feel human again that I forgot the world kept going on without me. It’s weird, knowing that I was on pause for so long, but things kept moving forward. It makes me wonder what else, or who else is moving forward. I try to focus on the movie, chowing down on my California roll, but it’s useless. I can’t shake the thought of knowing I’m so bad at love that I don’t know why I try.
Chapter Sixteen
MAX
It’s snowing when I leave my apartment, which I try not to take as a sign to turn around and go back to bed. I tug on my black winter hat and tie a scarf around my neck. I don’t mind the cold when I don’t have to be in it. But walking around outside isn’t something I love to do in the winter. I didn’t want to Uber there though; I thought it would be better if I got some of my anxious energy out on the walk.
The subway lets me off only a few blocks away from where we are meeting.
Chelsea, my ex-fiancé, had texted me and asked to meet up so we could talk. I didn’t know what she needed to say that she couldn’t tell me over the phone, but she had insisted.
My head has already run through a million reasons why she wants to see me. Is it to give my ring back? Tell me she’s pregnant? Tell me she’s moving here? I could play this game endlessly, but it was no use guessing. With Chelsea it could literally be anything, and was usually the last thing I thought of.
It wasn’t on the top of my list to go and see her, but Ben had thought it might be healing, and at least I’d get to say the things I never got to before.
We agreed to meet near Grand Central. I wasn’t trying to give my ex-fiancée my new address. There was a coffee shop inside a hotel about three blocks away that I sometimes liked to go to when I edited photos.
The Clock Tower coffee shop is pretty big, with one section closed off as a café and the other as a restaurant. I glance around the room, looking for that familiar head of blonde hair. One that I once thought I’d be looking at for the rest of my life.
Pausing to take off my hat and scarf, I shake the snow off them while I am still on the rug by the door. I stop when I see her blonde hair at the café, sipping a hot coffee, which I know is a caffè-americano.
She doesn’t see me, so I take a moment to study her. She looks the same, face full of make-up, blonde hair curled perfectly down her shoulders, and a navy-blue jacket pulled around her body. She’s rubbing her hands along the outside of the hot cup, probably cold from being outside. She always ran a little colder anyway, usually bundling up in the summertime too.
