“It’s good to feel like myself again,” I admit. I hadn’t realized how long it’s been since I was actually feeling like myself until I found the right meds.
“So, the meds are working then?” she asks as we sit on the couch and she rips into the chopsticks.
“Yeah, it took a few guesses, but this one seems to be working. It makes my head feel calm and doesn’t give me any side effects so far.” I smile.
“Did your doctor or therapist give you any sort of diagnosis?”
“I have borderline personality disorder. I’ve probably always had it, which explains why I’ve been labeled ‘a lot’ or ‘too much’. But the breakup and career shift is what caused my depressive episode. So thank you, and please thank Aspen for me. For taking care of me,” I explain.
“You know we wouldn’t have left you like that. I’m just glad Hazel thought to call us,” River says.
“Yeah, me too. I didn’t realize how bad I was until I could look back. I’m so sorry for Halloween. I was an absolute mess and should’ve known better, but I also shouldn’t have gone that hard with partying and making a scene.”
“I appreciate that.”
“I hope Aspen isn’t too upset with me. I know I probably reminded her of her mother that night, and she really didn’t deserve that.”
“No, she didn’t. Do you think you can explain what happened with Gus and Emily?” River asks. “I was afraid to ask them about it, but they looked just as upset that night.”
“I hooked up with Gus last year, before they got together with Emily. That night we went to the concert, backstage, I kissed Gus, hoping it would make Max jealous. Gus always said they wanted a relationship with me, and they said they’d wait for me, and suddenly, they weren’t. I thought it would get Gus back to thinking about me, but also show Max what she was missing. But instead, Gus hates me and now Emily does too. I knew they were together and I should’ve minded my business, but I was stupid,” I explain. It’s good to finally get everything out in the open.
“So, you and Gus, but then Emily and Gus, and also you and Max. No wonder there was so much drama. God damn, lesbians are messy.” She cracks a smile.
“We really are. I was just trying to apologize on Halloween, I thought Gus might finally hear me out, but they weren’t interested, which obviously made me feel worse.” I frown. “Then I misunderstood Max being with someone else, and that escalated way more than it needed to.”
“Because Max and Sara were in matching costumes? So because Max doesn’t know how to communicate like a grown-up she got mad at you for assuming and that’s why you blacked out?” River fills in the blanks.
“Yeah.” I nod. “Do you not like Max?” I ask with a raised eyebrow.
“I love Max, they’re my wife’s best friend. But when it comes to relationships, she’s a blockhead. And no offense, but so are you. You two are the last people who should try to be together, and I mean that from a place of love.”
“Why haven’t you said this before?” I ask, confused.
“You never brought it up. I assumed you didn’t want my opinion, but now you’re asking. I have thoughts.” She tosses a piece of sushi in her mouth and waits for me to process.
“Why shouldn’t we be together?” I ask. She doesn’t know Max has blocked me, so it’s not like there’s even a chance of that happening.
“Right now you’re both not in a place where relationships would work. I can’t say much without saying things I probably shouldn’t know, but Aspen can’t keep a secret from me. But I just think in this headspace, you both would be better off with someone else, or at least taking space from the other instead of trying to force things.” River sighs. “I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but I don’t want to see you hurt anymore.”
“It’s not what I want to hear, but it’s all irrelevant anyway because Max blocked me,” I admit.
“She what?! Like on social media or everywhere?” River gasps.
“Everywhere. It was before I lost my account, so on there too, but my texts no longer go through. She’s made it very clear she no longer wants to speak to me.” My voice cracks at the end; I can feel the tears brimming in my eyes. I don’t want to cry, but it’s not like I can control it.
“Did you guys ever talk after Halloween?” River asks.
“No. I tried apologizing and instead got blocked. Which is sort of what added to my spiral. Because, sure, we’ve taken breaks in the past, but she’s never removed me completely from her life. It feels more permanent.” The tears fall quietly from my eyes, and River catches them before I can.
“I’m so sorry.” She pulls me in for a hug, her arms around my neck. She rubs my back for a second before returning to normal and waiting for me to say more.
“I’m just sorry for everything. I’m still not perfect, and I’m still in the rough of it all, but I’m trying. I’m in therapy three times a week and taking my meds. I’ve even been walking every day just around the neighborhood to ‘get some fresh air’,” I say, rolling my eyes.
“And it’s all helping?” River asks.
“It is. As much as I wish I could stay in bed and make everything better, this is actually helping,” I admit. “But I’m not ready to tackle everything in therapy yet, so I’m starting small.”
“That’s completely understandable. As long as you’re putting in the work I know it’ll be worth it for you. I’m so glad you are.” River touches my hand, gently squeezing it.
