MAX
“So, you told her to leave? Or she left herself?” my therapist, Ben, asks. He’s no more than ten years older than me, and a framed photo of him and his husband hangs behind him.
I’m glancing at the clock, wondering if I’m going to run out of time talking about this.
“I don’t really remember; it’s a blur and I was pretty exhausted,” I admit.
“Okay, so close your eyes and try to describe it to me so we can run through it together,” he says, picking up his pen and notebook.
I sigh, closing my eyes to remember the morning last weekend when Cari and I slept in the same bed.
“I woke up, saw her lying next to me, and sort of jumped out of bed. I don’t remember exactly what was said, but she started getting dressed as I paced. She wouldn’t look at me, but when she did, she was angry, and I just felt guilty. I tried to call her an Uber home but she said no and then she left.”
“Okay, so it seems like she probably left on her own because she was upset. Which is understandable, right?” He looks at me over his round glasses.
“Yeah. I was just surprised. I’m usually good about not falling asleep so that doesn’t happen. But then I woke up next to her and—” I stop myself.
“And?” Ben urges for me to finish.
“I think I was conflicted by how nice it felt. We haven’t done that in so long so it felt nice, but then it felt more intimate than I wanted so I also felt stuck and upset. Like I didn’t have a choice in it.” I sigh.
“And having a choice in the intimacy is important to you?” he asks.
“Well, yeah.” I furrow my eyebrows. What kind of a question was that?
“Forgive me, I’m just trying to clarify your feelings. Because it doesn’t seem like you were upset about the act of intimacy, just the fact that you didn’t have control in it. She’s someone you’ve come to spend a lot of time with and feel comfortable with. But maybe you felt overwhelmed by not knowing maybe where you were or who you were with when you first woke up?” he asks.
“Yeah…it was like I was back in bed with Chelsea. I didn’t know where I was, and then when I did it made me feel scared I guess.” I clench my fists. I hate this part of therapy but I know nothing will change if I’m not honest.
“So, being intimate with Cari made you remember what it felt like being with your ex-fiancée and that sort of set off alarms in your body?”
“Yes.” I nod.
“Do you think it’s because of your history with Cari or because of your history with Chelsea?”
“Maybe both? Like Cari and I tried dating when we first met and I wasn’t ready. I was falling too hard, way too fast, and I had to pump the brakes before someone got hurt,” I explain.
“Do you mean before you got hurt?” He raises an eyebrow at me.
“I mean maybe. I just didn’t want to relive what I went through with Chelsea.”
“Is it fair for Cari to be judged on your past with Chelsea? They’re two completely different people,” he points out. But that’s just it, they might have a lot of differences but when I’m with Cari it feels almost as good as it did when I was with Chelsea.
“Where did you just go? What were you thinking about?”
“I was thinking about how it’s similar with Cari to how I felt with Chelsea. Before everything blew up in my face.” I sigh.
“Do you think that could be why your immediate response to intimacy was to jump out of bed and have her leave? Because that’s what feels safer to you then enjoying the moment?” He sits back with a small smile and I know he’s right. Ugh, it’s so annoying when he is.
“Yes, that’s quite possible,” I grumble.
“Look, we’re done for today but I’d like you to try and sit with some intimacy. It doesn’t have to be with Cari, it doesn’t have to be romantic. But accepting acts of intimacy like holding hands, physical touch, hugs, conversations with friends. Sit with them and see how long you can handle those kinds of feelings without it making you feel like you need to run. And we’ll talk about it next week.” Ben smiles.
“Okay.” I nod. Even though I want to say how the hell am I supposed to have an intimate moment with my friends out of the blue?
“Same time next week?” He opens his appointment book.
“Yup.” I’ve blocked out the same time every week since it was easier than trying to work around my schedule.
