Every time I hit refresh, I need to take another deep breath. Before I completely lose my cool, maybe I should just delete the photos. I guess people are fine with self-love as long as I keep my clothes on. I didn’t think anyone would freak out this much, but I am losing followers by the second. With comments like,
‘This isn’t what I signed up for, if I wanted porn I’d follow an actual porn star’
‘Wtf is this!! Where’s the normal content?’
‘Is she ok?’
‘Seems like Halloween started her downward spiral’
I usually don’t bother reading the comments, but there are so many I can’t ignore them the way they are popping up. I hit refresh, and my account freezes, Instagram logs me out, and I can’t log back in. I check my email, and my blood runs cold when I see the email from them, saying my account has been suspended. There’s no way. Sure, I showed a little nipple. But itisn’t like I was completely naked. Who the hell cares when I am providing them with so much traction?
I keep reading the email; apparently, I’ve had a high number of reports to this account, and they need to investigate. I hit appeal and give a long-winded explanation, hoping they’ll reinstate my account. I’ve heard of this happening to other people and Instagram usually gives it back. But I hear back almost immediately with a negative response.
Since this wasn’t my first time being suspended or having nudity on the account their only option was to close it. I am welcome to wait thirty days and start a new account, but only if I don’t post any nudity.
My mouth runs dry and I don’t know what else to do. I go live on TikTok, hoping that my followers can help me. Maybe begging them to reinstate my account would work better than me trying to do it myself. But for the first time since hitting my million, I go live, and no one joins. There are a few people who tap in accidentally and almost immediately click out. I’m explaining myself, hoping that people will see how serious this is, but no one seems to care.
I click out of live, unsure of what else to do. This was my life, my income, my stability. How can I go forward if I don’t have this? It feels like my roof is caving in and crushing me from the outside in. I try to steady myself with deep breaths and stay focused, but it isn’t working. All I feel is my chest getting tighter and my head starting to pound. I catch myself on the side of my bed and slink down to the floor. I can’t fall if I am already on the ground, even though it feels like that might cave in too.
Chapter Twelve
MAX
“How many models are coming again?” Aspen asks as she sets up the makeup in front of the mirror.
“Six? Lemme check the email. I think they wanted to send eight but only had enough interest for six,” I recall. Pulling up the email I glaze over the details until I see the model count. “Yup, six.”
“Okay cool. That shouldn’t take me too long, especially since only two are being photographed together at the same time.” Aspen nods.
“Did you look over the clothes they’re bringing? They look perfect for you and Riv.” I smile.
The brand is queer-owned and is doing a PRIDE-themed shoot to promote its upcoming PRIDE line. It isn’t uncommon to do this, but it is the first time I have been asked to do it so early; it is only November after all. It’s a lot of rainbows, but they are clothes meant to be worn for the actual parade. My only issue is that they are way too girly for my taste.
“I did, I was low-key hoping they might leave some stuff behind,” Aspen admits.
“If they do, it’s all yours,” I assure her.
I excuse myself to finish setting up. The models were set to arrive any minute, and I want to make sure the backdrops are set up right. I’m using the plain white background so I can superimpose them wherever the company decides. They weren’t sure when we last chatted, so it is easier to pop them in later. The designer will be here too, making sure all the clothes are worn correctly and fit the right models. The sizes are diverse, so at least I don’t have to worry about any models crying about not fitting into something. That’s something I definitely don’t miss about California.
“Where can I set up?” The designer, Alec, asks. They are a bit eclectic for my taste, but they are nice, so that’s all that matters to me.
“There are changing rooms in the back, each booth has hooks, and there’s a rack for everything else in front of the bathroom,” I explain, pointing to the other side of the studio. “And any coats can go by the door outside the studio, please.”
It was snowing when Aspen and I got here and I didn’t want the coats dripping on the floors in here.
“Thanks.” Alec nods and ushers in the clothes and the models. I take a simple head count and lead the first set of models to Aspen’s chair.
“Are you Max Montgomery?” I spin around to face one of the models with dark brown skin.
“I am, do you need something?” I ask with a smile.
“I just wanted to say I’m a big fan of your work. I’ve seen your exhibit downtown probably six times. I’m so happy we’re getting the chance to work together.” She shakes my hand and I blush. I don’t think I’ve ever had a model who was familiar with my work.
“Really?” I can’t help but show my surprise.
“Of course! I saw the listing and applied immediately. Not to mention it’s a queer-owned brand, but being photographedby you? If it wouldn’t bruise my skin I might pinch myself. I’m a huge huge fan. Sorry for fan-girling, but wow.” She brushes her dark curls out of her face, and I can’t help but notice how beautiful she is. Sure, she’s a model, but it isn’t like I am automatically attracted to every model I work with. Before I have a chance to reply, she’s being called over by Alec and rushes away with a quick smile.
It takes me a second before I remember I was in the middle of adjusting the camera lenses. I glance her way, realizing I don’t even know her name. I’m sure it is somewhere in my email, but I wanted to hear her tell me. I swap out the lens for the one I want to use and place it on the tripod until I’m ready. I adjust the overhead lighting using the remote and make sure it won’t clash with the outfits’ colors. Some of them have some sparkles and those shiny things that reflect light. I want to make sure I’m not accidentally caught in the reflection of them, because that would be a pain in the ass to fix.
