It wasn’t everything.
Not even close.
But it was what she could do.
They got back to his place, and she walked in, now more familiar with the house.
She had spent the night here several times.
She hadn’t done a whole lot in the kitchen, because generally he was the one cooking. It was an open-plan house, which she actually wasn’t usually a big fan of, but anytime she had been here with Cody and his siblings, she had enjoyed it.
And understood the appeal. They were such a fun, rowdy bunch, even Lila and Nolan when they were bickering. She found them funny.
But it was nice to be here by themselves, too.
Very nice tonight.
“I hope you didn’t forget my offer,” she said.
“Oh no,I haven’t,” he said.
“Sit down,” she said.
“I can help you with something.”
“I don’t need any help,” she said. “I’m going to cook for you. When was the last time someone did this for you?”
“I don’t know. My mom. Beanie weenies. I had a cold or something.”
He knew. Exactly. He was playing it off like maybe it was something only half remembered, or something that hadn’t mattered all that much, but she knew that it did.
She knew that he was minimizing.
“That’s nice.”
“She did try,” he said. “I don’t want you to think that she didn’t. I don’t want you to think that she was this… mess of a woman who didn’t care about her kids. I think she did. I think she loved us.”
His voice was raw, and she set down the package of pasta she was holding to give him her full attention.
“I’m sure that she did love you. And I think that’s its own sort of grief, don’t you? Because I also think my dad loved me. Maybe my mom even did. But that didn’t mean that she could use that love to put herself back together. To make herself functional. I think our parents are great examples of people who lived with their own self-destructive tendencies and faced consequences for those tendencies. They hurt other people, but they hurt themselves, too. Shortened their own lives.”
“I’m not angry at her,” he said, his voice rough.
She wondered if he was, though, and if it was the thing that frightened him the most.
“You can be. I’m angry at my parents. And sometimes I feel guilty about that. Sometimes I wish that I could be endlessly understanding. But I can’t be. I can’t be, because they hurt me. Even though they also hurt themselves. It’s just not ever going to be that easy for me.”
“I just think it’s really important that I just love her. Because no one else did.”
Those words were like a dagger through her heart. Cody was carrying this heavy burden for his mother, even with her being gone. He wasn’t letting himself sift through all of his own issues because it was so important to him to honor his mother’s memory. To honor her life, such as it was.
He was a good son. A good man.
But she could recognize that he deserved a hell of a lot more than he’d ever gotten.
She wanted to give it to him. Not just tonight. Forever.
That was a terrifying thought. And her chest expanded with a feeling that she didn’t want to label. Not yet.
