But there was a version of the future for which I could vow.
“It was insane of me to try to kill you. Not just because it was wrong, but because it was delusional. I’ve been training for a couple of weeks. You’re you. The knife was always a longshot.”
His eyes crinkled slightly at the corners, but he didn’t smile.
That was not what I meant to say. True though it was. “But I did hurt you. You had trusted me. To fight at your side, to watch your back. To my limited ability. And I used your trust.”
I thought of what he had been through, what he had suffered with his family, and how brave it was that he still could trust anyone at all. There was something resilient and fierce in the way he was able to love Bismyth. His friends. Perhaps even…me. Eventually.
“I’m trying to tell you that I’m sorry. For making it harder to trust people. For not being worthy.” I had meant to say, “of that trust.” But I found myself stopping.
“I understand why you did it,” he told me.
“That doesn’t change the fact that I did.”
“No, it doesn’t. I understand that, to you, it has felt as if I hold all the power. When I am close to you…it does not feel that way to me at all.” He offered me a self-deprecating smile that I felt all the way to my soul.
I didn’t know how to respond. There was an answering ache in my chest. It had hurt to have him at a distance in private and to have him so affectionate in public. But I was never good with words. I was worse with feelings.
“I am sorry.” And then, too forcibly, too bluntly, I blurted out, “I miss having you call me Never.”
That startled him into a real smile. “I thought you hated that nickname.”
“I thought I hated it too.” I tucked my hair behind my ears. “Maura gave me a gift with her apology. Two gifts, really. And you offered me a sacrifice in front of the people whose opinions you value most. You offered me a gift too. But I have very little to offer you.”
“It’s all right, Cara.”
“Whether or not you and I are husband and wife forever,” I said, “we’re still the best of allies. Bond or no bond. That will not change.”
He gave me a look as if he couldn’t quite believe it, as if I was once again misunderstanding the shifter world, but he nodded. I intended to make sure he was never alone in the world again.
“So I wanted to give you something to remind you that you’re not alone. Not as long as I’m alive, and I have a very protective husband and a completely demented bodyguard, so I think I will be alive for a very long time.”
He leaned forward. He hid his emotions so well, but I had learned to read him, and so I could tell from the way his eyes widened that he was surprised. “You don’t have to give me anything.”
“I know. But I am a part of Bismyth. And I am your wife. More than that, I wish to be your friend.” The wordwifedidn’t feel quite so strange on my tongue anymore. “I wanted to apologize, and I wanted to do it right.” That wasn’t quite right either.
Suddenly, I doubted the gesture. I had thought of other gifts. But this one had felt as if it would be right to him. “As you know, I own very little. What could I give you?”
“I need nothing.”
“I cannot promise I will be your fate. But I can promise I will always be your friend. I will always be here.” I pulled the neck of my tunic aside. Fear’s sigil, the dragon winding around the sword, stood in stark relief above my heart.
It was in the same place as Fear carried my sigil on his own skin.
For just a moment, he was unguarded. His gaze moved between the magic-made tattoo and my face, and for a moment what was exposed on his face was wonder.
“I could not bear you wearing my mark without wearing yours,” I told him. He would recognize his own words.
“Cara,” he said, as if he were lost. But not in darkness.
“I wanted you to know that you were safe with me. I’m not going to hurt you again. Never.”
He had recovered himself. He was smiling. But I had seen him undone for a moment, and I would carry that memory.
“I already know that, Never.” He pulled me into his arms and pressed a kiss to my temple, the affectionate way he had so many times recently, except this time there was no audience.
No audience, except for me.
