“Breathe.” Gage leaned in closer, pressed his lips to Travis’s. Just a gentle brushing, but it gave Travis something to focus on. The imaginary band on his chest loosened slightly.
It was then he realized he was crying, tears streaming down his cheeks.
“I miss her so fuckin’ much,” he forced out. “So much, Gage. I. Miss. Her.”
Gage’s arms banded around him, jerking him close, tightening in a hold that should’ve been constricting, but it wasn’t. It was comfort. It was … home and hope and love all right there. This man … despite their issues, despite the distance they’d put between them, he was there when Travis needed him. Always there.
“We’re gonna get through this,” Gage said, his voice so low, if he hadn’t been right at Travis’s ear, he wouldn’t have heard him. “We will. All of us. It’ll never be easy, but we’ll get through it.”
“I love you,” Travis blurted, holding him, clutching his T-shirt in his fists, scared to let go. He just needed Gage to know that, to understand. Yes, he was fucked up. Yes, he was doing this all wrong. But that didn’t change the fact that Gage meant everything. “I do,” he added. “I love you so goddamn much.”
“I know.”
They remained like that for several minutes, holding one another up, tears falling, the fear and anger they’d built up finding a small but effective outlet.
“I hate this, Gage. I hate her not bein’ here. I don’t want to get outta bed anymore. Without her … without you…”
“You’ve got me,” Gage snapped, pulling back and gripping Travis’s neck again. “You understand me. You’ve got me. Always. No matter what.”
Travis’s eyes searched his face, praying he meant that, but he wasn’t sure what was real anymore. He’d never felt so much pain before. Never had anything hurt as much, cause such a brutal agony in his chest as losing Kylie. And the past several weeks … they were hell on earth as Travis navigated this new path, tried to figure out how he fit in his own life now.Ifhe fit in it.
“I can’t be in this room. I can’t sleep in that bed.” Travis glanced over at the spot Kylie used to occupy, and his chest constricted again, but this time there was anger boiling in the pain. “I can’t.” He looked back at Gage. “I made love to her that mornin’. Right there. Right there in that fuckin’ bed. I can’t be in here without thinkin’ about that. About her. Missin’ what we were supposed to have for an eternity. That was it. My last moment with her.”
He saw something flash in Gage’s eyes. Pain? Misery?
“At least you had that,” Gage whispered.
Oh, that was far more than misery. That was agony and despair.
“At least you have that to remember, Trav. Those precious minutes you had with her that mornin’.” A tear streaked down his face. “I didn’t even get that.”
It wouldn’t have hurt more if Gage had punched him in the stomach.
“I…” Travis didn’t know what to say. Words were not going to help, of that he was certain.
“It’s not your fault, Trav. It’s not.” Gage took a deep breath, his hands relaxing as he leaned in, forehead to forehead. “I was mad at you initially. Sure. For about a minute. You got that and I didn’t. I couldn’t understand whyIdidn’t get that. Why I couldn’t’ve had just five more minutes with her.”
Travis fisted Gage’s shirt tighter, feeling the sorrow as it poured off of his husband. He hadn’t seen that last precious moment he’d had with Kylie as a blessing. But Gage was right. He’d hadthat.
“Every minute without her is agony, Trav. That’s to be expected. We’ve lost somethin’ important. Somethin’ crucial. But we have to keep puttin’ one foot in front of the other. We can’t keep dwellin’ on what we don’t have. It’s not good for us; it’s not good for the kids.”
He knew Gage was right. Of course he did, but that didn’t make it any easier.
“How do we fix it?” Travis honestly wanted to know. Heneededto know because going on like this wasn’t sustainable.
They stared at one another for a moment.
“The letter,” Gage finally said.
Travis didn’t speak.
“Tomorrow, we’ll read the letter. Together.”
Travis managed a nod.
“But tonight we’ll start by sleepin’ in here. Both of us.” There was so much pain in Gage’s eyes. “I don’t wanna be alone, Trav. You said you wouldn’t make me do this alone.”
Travis knew Gage wasn’t referring to taking care of the house, the kids, the responsibilities. Travis was putting in his time as promised. Yet he was ignoring their relationship, their bond. He’d all but written it off because he didn’t believe he deserved Gage. In doing so, he was hurting the man he loved.
