With his hand still on Mack’s arm, Jeff offered a comforting squeeze.
“I don’t want to leave,” Mack rasped, the words coming out as though they’d been held in for too long.
It was rare for Mack to show so much emotion. Sure, they could connect on an intimate level, but Jeff couldn’t remember the last time Mack had opened up about personal things. He’d always been the kind to bottle it up, pretend it didn’t exist, even when their relationship had been growing strong. It had always required chipping away at the hard exterior before revealing anything soft inside the handsome man.
“Then don’t leave.”
“I have to.” Mack pulled his hand back. “I owe it to my son.”
Jeff felt that familiar anger rushing to the surface. “The only thing you owe that boy is your unconditional love. But he owes you that, too, Mack.”
Mack’s blue eyes reflected the torment inside him. “I lied to him. This is how I can make it up to him.”
Jeff laughed without mirth. “Is it? And what happens when you sell everything you own? When you uproot your life and relocate to be closer to him. How does that benefit him?”
“He’ll know I’m doing what he’s asked of me.”
Shaking his head, Jeff pushed to his feet. “And what? You become someone you’re not? Or no, wait. Youpretendto be someone you’re not? Because we both know it doesn’t matter where you live. You’ll still be gay, Mack. You’ll just be an unhappy gay man who lives out the rest of his life alone.”
Mack didn’t look up.
“Have you ever asked yourself why it’s so important to Daniel that you become someone else?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Oh, it fucking matters.”
Mack’s eyes flew up, likely surprised by the curse. Jeff tended to keep his language on the PG level most of the time. One of the by-products of being in the public eye.
“I’ve wondered on numerous occasions what his end game is,” Jeff admitted. “I’ve sat back for the past four years and watched as he tugged and pulled at the threads of your life, using those strings to position you how he wants you. Somewhere along the way, you seem to have forgotten that you raised that boy. You did everything in your power to make him happy. And your sexual orientation is none of his goddamn business, Mack.”
“I left his mother because I was gay,” Mack blurted. “It’s damn sure his business.”
Jeff barked a laugh. “No. That was your business. And hers. Not his. He doesn’t get to dictate how things play out because he got his feelings hurt when he learned your secret. You being gay didn’t make you a bad father. Sure, it made you a shitty husband to a woman, but lessons learned, right? We all make mistakes, and we learn from them. We don’t turn our lives upside down to atone for them because someone’s feelings were hurt. And in this case, I doubt it was Daniel’s.”
Jeff continued to pace, hands clenching at his sides as all the words he’d wanted to say to Mack over the years came barreling out.
“We were happy, Mack. Fucking happy. Right up until your son decided you shouldn’t be. He decided you couldn’t be gay because it gave him power over you. And fine. I’ll admit you broke my goddamn heart when you turned your back on me, but I didn’t attempt to restructure your life because of it. No. I sat back and waited, loving you from a distance because I knew deep down I would never love anyone else the way I love you.”
Mack was watching him now. Jeff could feel his eyes following him and he wondered if Mack heard his use of present tense. He still loved him. That would never change.
“And you did what Daniel wanted,” Jeff continued. “You ended things. You didn’t date, and I assume that’s because you’re not interested in women. You can pretend to be straight, but it’s somethin’ else entirely to go through the motions. He won that round.
“But how does selling the bar and your house, moving to Austin, and being referred to as Michael do anyone any good? Do you really think Daniel’ll be happy with that? He won’t. Next thing you know, he’ll be picking out your clothes, decorating your house. Why? Why does he want to do that?” Jeff turned to look at Mack. “He’s compensating for something. Ever wonder what that is? Why he’s pushin’ you so fucking hard?”
Still no response, but Jeff knew the man was paying attention, so he kept going.
“You want to sell your house? Sell it. You don’t live there, anyway. You sleep there. It’s a box with windows and a door that you use for shelter. You want to move? Move.” Jeff swung his arm around. “Move in here. It’s where you belong. Here. With me. You might try to contradict me, but I know you’d be happy here. We both would because we were happy, Mack. We were fucking happy before you left me.” Emotion contorted his words, but he plowed forward. “I love you, Mack. I’ve always loved you and I always will. This thing”—Jeff motioned between them—“it’s not about sex. It’s about connecting with you because I fucking love you. I want you back. There. I said it. I don’t want you to move.” His breath hitched. “I don’t want to lose you again.”
Mack finally moved but Jeff stood where he was, staring at him, waiting for the repercussions of his words.
“Every word I said is the truth,” he continued. “I will not take them back. I will not regret telling you how I feel, because it has been eating me up inside. If you want to turn me away again, Mack, fine. I’ll deal with it, but I can’t keep going on without you knowing how I feel, without knowing that I—”
Mack cupped his face, stared back at him with so much emotion churning in his eyes it robbed Jeff of his thoughts.
“I love you, Mack,” he whispered, willing him to hear the sincerity.
“I love you, too. Never stopped.” Mack stepped closer. “And I never meant to hurt you.”
