I was feeling things, all sorts of things that made me feel both warm and tight. Worry and anger, wondering how the fuck I was going to pull this off, but also a sense of peace. And other things. Things I refused to give a name to, let alone say out loud.
So instead of dwelling on them, I buried my face against her bare shoulder and breathed in the salty scent of her skin. It was intoxicating; sweat and dirt and female.
“Good night,” I muttered, and hugged her tightly to me.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Autumn
“Do you ever wish that there was ... more?” I asked. My face was tucked against his bare chest, my features pressing against his hot skin. I drew my fingers in lazy trails over the eagle on his abdomen, tracing over the black curves of its fearsome wings.
Morning would be coming soon, and with it the day. Eagle would walk me to work, stopping at one of the stands on the way to barter for our breakfast. Then after he left me in Alice’s care, he would leave for the garage or whatever else it was that he did around here.
I would work all day, as I had for the last several days, making small talk with Alice, and then later, when the sun was setting, Eagle would appear to take me home, and we’d stop for something to eat on the way. The days were quiet; I hadn’t seen Liv since that night at the garage. I would even go as far as to say the days had become sometimes boring, and usually long and predictable. I wasn’t complaining, I just felt like maybe something was missing.
“What the fuck kind of question is that?” he asked, his chest heaving with his words.
Stilling my fingers, I glanced up at his face. He lay beside me in bed, his eyes closed, and his head propped up against the wall behind him. From this angle, I was able to really appreciate the harsh symmetry of his features.
“Everyone wishes there was more than this,” he muttered, his eyes still closed. “Stupid, if you ask me. This is it.”
His arms tightened around me, and I dropped my gaze back down to his eagle. My attention drifted to his other tattoos, the skulls that decorated both of his arms. I didn’t like them nearly as much as his eagle; they were crude, not as well done, and not nearly as beautiful. He’d told me that they represented his kills early on; that each skull was originally meant to be a reminder that he was still here, that he had killed a biter, and not the other way around.
To him, they were meant to be a reminder of life. But to me, they were a reminder of death. The death that stalked us, hunted us, and would undoubtedly find us.
I hated the biters, and these skulls were a constant reminder of what was out there, beyond the silly gates these people thought protected them. When in reality, it was a self-imposed cage, and most of the animals on the inside were just as wild as those on the outside.
“There has to be more,” I said, frowning. “I want more.” I attempted to sit up, no longer wanting to stare at the skulls. His arms tightened further, my strength no match for his. Frustrated at the knowledge I wasn’t going anywhere, I glared up at him. His eyes were open now, his thick brow pulled hard and tight over dark and narrowed eyes.
“What the fuck does that mean?”
He’d practically growled the words and my heart sped up. I didn’t want Eagle angry with me, and I certainly didn’t want to fight with him.
I stopped wriggling and lost my glare, and after a moment his grip loosened.
“I don’t know,” I said with a sigh. “For so long, all I cared about was making it through the day without dying. Every day I had to get up, had to search for food and wood. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have made it. But now ...”
Biting down on my lip, I turned away from his gaze and settled my cheek against his chest again. I didn’t know how to explain it to him. My own thoughts made little sense to me, so how could I expect him to understand?
“But now?” he prompted.
Swallowing hard, I closed my eyes and continued. “It doesn’t feel like enough. I feel like there’s something missing, like I’m lost and searching for something. Does that make any sense?”
I felt guilty saying it. I should feel content here, in his arms, no less. He’d taken me in, he’d cared for me, and he was still caring for me. But something wasn’t right. Maybe it was this place, or maybe it was the people here. It was a constant thought lately that I couldn’t fully grasp, but neither could I shake.
“Autumn.” His use of my real name startled me, and I glanced up. He was watching me, his expression neutral, while his moonlit eyes burned with intensity.
“Home,” he stated. “You’re searching for home, but you’re not gonna find it. It’s gone. It’s all gone. You need to make your peace with that right the fuck now or you’re going to lose your goddamn mind chasing something that doesn’t exist anymore.”
Maybe he was right; maybe I was searching for home. Maybe being around people once again, and having more time to think, had led me down a dangerous path. With nothing more to say, we lapsed into silence, with only the steady thumps of our hearts filling the quiet that had settled between us.
“Squirrel,” he said, his deep voice piercing the silence. “I want to show you something.”
“I hate that name,” I blurted.
“Yeah?” He snorted. “And I hate that I can’t have a cold beer and a blow job whenever the hell I want. Sucks to be us.”
Still clinging to him, I gazed up at him through narrowed eyes.
