Only this time, I wouldn’t be getting back in line.
The farther from Purgatory we drove, the faster and harder my heart beat. Soon I was nothing but a jumble of nerves and an anxious stomach. My heart and soul were both frantic for it—the freedom, for the ability to make my own choices, and without the hellish worry of having a crazed woman out to get me. But out here there were no ridiculous rules; there was no one to lord over me and my every decision. Out here I didn’t need protecting. Out here I could protect myself. It was a different sort of survival out here in the wide open. Out here you knew exactly who the monsters were.
Oh my God, I’m out. I’m free of those gates. Free of those people.
But then, why did I feel so horrible?
It was that kiss, that beautiful, heartbreaking kiss. I’d never been kissed like that, never known a kiss like that even existed. It had been so soft and yet rough, desperate and yet also peaceful and quiet. Even thinking about it now, I couldn’t help but feel my body respond.
Oh God, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. And Eagle, the way he’d looked at me this morning. He’d seemed softer somehow. Although his features were forever hard and his expression stoic, it was his eyes. They’d been lighter. Wider even.
“You’re quiet,” Jonah said, and I opened my eyes to find him watching me from the driver’s seat of the truck. “You don’t really talk much, do you?”
I gave him a small smile and shrugged.
Chuckling, he shook his head. “Yeah, Alice said as much.”
His gaze turned back to the dusty road and concentrated on the rough terrain. I watched him for a while before returning my attention to the open window and the world flying by. We passed several miles in silence, and even the guards in the bed of the truck were quiet. Seated around the rim of the bed, they kept their guns poised and ready as their eyes constantly scoured the horizon, just watching and waiting.
A moment later I turned back to Jonah, needing a distraction from my racing thoughts. “What did you mean?” I asked. “What did Alice say?”
His eyes still on the road, he smiled. “My wife, she’s a clever lady, as you no doubt know.” Glancing sideways, he winked. “She said you were a quiet one. That you’re guarded, but strong, you know?” He tapped on his temple. “Strong up here.”
Strong? Me? Replaying his words in my head, I wondered how anyone could possibly think I was strong.
“I don’t think Eagle thinks so,” I mumbled.
Jonah laughed. “I think you’d be surprised. I think he thinks very highly of you.”
I didn’t know what to say to him; I didn’t know what to think about what he’d said. I believed that Eagle cared about me to some extent, but I also believed that he thought I was a fool. A ridiculous girl who was scared of water, cried more than she spoke, who couldn’t handle being around more than a few people at a time, and who covered herself in her own excrement to hide from the biters.
But ... that kiss.
“Are we getting close?” Jonah asked. “You described a tree that resembled a hand. Is that it?”
Leaning forward, I peered out the windshield and sure enough, there was my tree. With a trunk big enough to hide five people behind, it was split in the center, its larger branches twisted and warped as they grew in opposite directions, stretching high into the sky like a giant hand reaching for heaven. I loved that tree, but seeing it now made my stomach ache.
We were here, which meant I was nearly home. The thought made me wonder what it would look like, the same or different? Would it still feel as safe to me as it had before?
“Yes,” I whispered. “You’ll have to pull over. We have to walk from here.”
As Jonah pulled the truck off to the side of the road, I wondered how I was going to slip away from the group. And worse, what would happen to Jonah when he returned without me? Would Eagle hurt him? I didn’t want to think that Eagle would do something awful to such a good man, especially the only doctor in Purgatory, but Eagle’s temper was unpredictable.
When the truck came to a stop, the guards jumped from the bed and circled the vehicle. Grabbing his backpack, Jonah flashed me a toothy grin—he was obviously excited to find the flowers—and gestured for me to open my door.
“You coming?” Standing beside the truck, he shrugged the pack up over his shoulders and checked the gun holstered at his hip.
“Yes,” I said, my mouth suddenly dry.
Maybe taking off wasn’t such a good idea. After all, I hadn’t thought to bring any weapons, or food for that matter. I’d have nothing and would be out searching fruitlessly for food again, the very reason I’d been so close to Purgatory in the first place.
Reluctantly I climbed out of the truck with sluggish movements and joined the waiting group. Not one of the guards appeared friendly, and while some paid me no attention, others were staring, leering even.
Inching closer to Jonah, I pointed into the forest. “Through there.”
We slipped into the forest, Jonah and me in the lead, the guards fanned out behind us, moving slower as they scanned the woods for threats. The forest grew thicker, the trees and foliage growing nearly on top of each other before suddenly thinning out and opening up to a small valley.
“It’s down there,” I said, pointing to the rocky drop-off.
