I don’t even realise that a fresh wave of tears has started to flow until the wetness drips onto the hand leaning under my chin. Fuck. What am I even meant to do? He thinks of everything. He does everything. All for me. And that makes me love him more, and I didn’t think that could be possible. I wipe at my cheeks, but they don’t seem to want to stop flowing. Have I done the right thing? My brain knows that I have, but my heart, well, that has a mind of its own completely.
I excuse myself to nip to the bathroom. Needing some space alone, even if just for a minute. It’s only when I go to wash my hands that I look at the reflection in front of me. I look like shit warmed up, and then steamrolled by a bulldozer. My face is streaked with dirt, with tear stains in two perfect lines running down each cheek. My once beautiful dress is ripped andcovered in mud. And my hair… well, that’s not even worth speaking of.
Without thinking to ask, I turn on the shower. I need to get this shitty night off of me. The second the water hits me, my body relaxes. The tension in my shoulders has caused them to ache. Using a mixture of Tommy's and Maya's things, I scrub at my hair and body. I find myself staring at the water that heads towards the drain. The dirt and grime washing away, leaving me so easily. If only these feelings would do the same.
There's a soft knock at the door once I have turned the water off. The door opens and Maya walks inside with a big fluffy towel and some of her pyjamas in her arms. She doesn't say anything, just gives me a small smile before leaving them on the side. I wish I had the energy to return it.
“I have made up the spare room,” she tells me when I’m back in the living room. “Stay for as long as you’d like.”
Sitting back in my space, I curl my legs under me and lean my head on the arm of the sofa. Sleep does sound so good right now, and I don’t think I can face going home.
“Jenson found Layla,” Tommy says, once I sit down.
“What? Is she okay?” I ask, that sick feeling creeping back up my throat.
“She is absolutely fine. John lied. She hasn’theard from him at all. He must have been saying it to get a rise out of you.”
“Fucking hell,” I breathe out, slumping back down on the chair.
All of that worry and stress, and it had all been a lie. Was it me he was always after? My head is lost in thought when Tommy coughs for attention.
“Do you feel like telling me what happened with John?” Tommy asks, startling me.
I turn my head to him, my eyes widening. My thoughts are too turbulent right now to rehash all of those painful memories.
“It’s okay, you don’t ever have to. But I want you to know that you can, whenever it feels right.”
Will the time ever be right? I don’t think I could stomach the look on his face when he finds out how weak I had been.
“Maya?” I ask, finally meeting her gaze. “Would you mind telling him? It’s just that… I don’t know if I can.”
Her own eyes start to glisten in response. Maya has always been such an empath. She reaches a hand across to squeeze my knee, then gives me a nod. She is the only one who went through it all with me, and the only other person who could tell the story.
The awkwardness in the room is stifling after that. I manage a whole seven minutes sitting here in silence before saying goodnight andheading to the spare room. The sun is already halfway up in the sky by the time I lie under the covers. I’m so tired right now, emotionally and physically, but the annoying thing is, sleep never finds me.
