That only lasts as long as Maddie allows, running her hand through my hair as I slowly lift my upper body from on top of hers, right before the little shit quietly teases, “For a virgin, you sure do know how to work that thing.”
“For fuck’s sake,” I blurt, right before a laugh so loud it rattles my chest breaks out of me. It’s so stupid, but I can’t help it, her words triggering something in me that has me hanging my head as laughter shakes my body, my forehead falling to her chest as I try to wrangle my amusement back under control.
By the time I finally wrangle it back under lock and key, I realize Maddie has turned completely silent. The room has grown quiet, and I lift my head, only to find Maddie staring at me in shock. Her pretty blue eyes are filled with surprise, widened as she peers up at me like she can’t believe what she heard, and I roll my eyes at her when she whispers, “So you do know how to laugh like that.”
“Whatever,” I snicker, dropping my weight back on top of her and nuzzling into her neck, my nose rubbing the indents my teeth made in her neck.
“That was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard, second to hearing either one of you guys coming, and you’re going to brush it off with a ‘whatever’? Who even are you?” she breathes, still sounding too shocked to give her annoyance more energy.
That’s good for me, I guess, so I hide my smile in her neck and simply soak in the feel of her still wrapped around my slowly softening dick, her arms banded around my neck, and the feel of her body pressed snugly against mine.
When we both fall silent, I switch our positions on the couch, turning us carefully so I don’t make a mess of us both.Maddie sprawls out over my body, still wrapped around me as she slots against me perfectly, and she sighs contentedly the moment she rests her cheek over where my heart is slowly calming down.
The sound outside has disappeared, the studio now mostly quiet other than the occasional ticking of the clock or the groan of the building settling. Neither of us says anything for a little while, happy to lie in the soft silence only Maddie ever provides, enjoying the feel of one another. It’s comfortable, which still feels unfamiliar enough that a part of me keeps waiting for it to slip from my grasp.
It’s always been different cuddling with her before, because the other guys were always with us. It didn’t feel so daunting letting her in when the others were there to pick up the pieces where I was slacking. But now? Now it feels like I’m exactly where I’m meant to be, even though that still scares me a little.
Staring at the ceiling for a long while, my fingers tracing patterns over Maddie’s bare back as I lose myself to my thoughts, I’m caught off guard when Maddie sleepily asks, “I hope you don’t expect me to get up anytime soon. You’ve fucked me legless, and I’ll need some more time to recover before I even consider trying to stand again.”
Once more, another laugh spills right out of my mouth, and I feel more than hear Maddie sigh. She tilts her head up immediately, smiling drowsily as she says, “I like hearing you laugh. You should laugh more, because it’s criminal to keep that sound locked away.”
Her words hit strangely hard, simply because it’s all I’m used to. All through my childhood, I was never allowed to make a sound if I wasn’t given permission. Nothing was ever funny, nothing ever held any amusement, because at school I was tormented by the fear of leaving Mom alone with the bastardwho took her from me, and at home I was always plagued with fear and anger every single time he hurt her.
There was never a time for amusement, my life a constant stream of pain, worry, fear, and anger.
Maddie notices the shift in my mood and softly asks, “Hey, you okay?”
It’s a loaded question, one I could easily brush off and move on from. Only, for the first time ever, I don’t want to. Especially not when her fingers move across my chest like she doesn’t expect me to run from her anymore. Like she trusts me enough to stay. Suddenly, I’m tired. I’m tired of carrying it all alone, and so the words slip out of my mouth before I can even consider stopping them.
“My dad killed my mom.”
The words leave me flatly, nothing but fact, and I cringe when I realize how bluntly I delivered them, how quickly I just blurted it out there. A sudden panic flares to life in my chest when Maddie goes completely still against me.
Forcing myself to keep talking before I lose the nerve, I shortly explain, “He’s doing life in prison back home. Was charged countless times for domestic violence before that, but nothing ever came of it until he finally killed her.”
The office suddenly feels too quiet, too still, but I keep staring upward. Looking at Maddie right now feels next to impossible, and I know I’ll crumple the moment my eyes meet hers.
“Mom would lie to everyone about where the bruises came from, on her and me. Eventually, she stopped bothering, because it felt like everyone knew anyway. They just couldn’t do anything about it, because every time the police showed up at the door, he would fly into a fit of rage and beat the shit out of us both.”
Maddie’s hand suddenly moves over my waist slowly, not stopping me, just kind of grounding me. Her thumb starts stroking over my ribs, and I take a deep breath before sharing more of my sordid past I’ve tried and failed to run away from.
“He’d only hit me until I got older. Grew bigger,” my jaw tightens a little. “Then I started hitting back. I started protecting Mom better, even learned how to do stitches because it was the only way to stop the constant hospital visits.”
A humorless laugh slips from my mouth, the words tasting ugly on my tongue. Like blood, a whole lot of shame, and a bone-deep fury I feel like I’ll never escape.
“Turns out YouTube is pretty educational when you know what to search,” I tell her, lowering my voice before I continue with my sad little story. “I’d sew her up in the bathroom, then myself after. It was always her first, because she suffered more than me. He hurt her more, so I’d always fix her up before fixing myself.”
Silence follows that admission. Not empty, but heavy, the kind that settles around old wounds. Maddie pushes herself up slightly then, enough that I finally have to look at her, and I honestly wish I hadn’t. Because the expression on her face nearly destroys me, not because there’s pity swimming in her eyes. Hell, I couldn’t survive pity. Yet this is somehow worse. It’s tender and soft and understanding.
Swallowing hard, I fight through the lump in my throat before I can finally speak again.
“I didn’t tell you because…” I shake my head once, chewing my lip before taking a steadying breath. “It’s the only relationship I ever knew, the only kind I was ever exposed to growing up. Every day was violent. Every day I was scared. I was raised watching my dad hurting my mom and calling it love afterward. It was wrong, fucked up, but for a long time I thought there had to be something wrong with me, too.”
Maddie’s eyebrows pinch, an adorable frown forming on her face. It’s only that look that gives me the courage to finally tell her the rest.
“I worry every day that I’ll turn into him someday,” I confess, laying my soul bare for her to look at, the ugly truth finally spilled between us. That shit has lived under my skin for years and years, and there’s a weird kind of lightness that comes with sharing the burden with someone else.
I end up holding my breath as I wait for a response, a shift in her expression or a sudden trickle of fear, but nothing changes. She reaches up and cups my face instead, her thumb stroking gently over my jaw before she whispers, “This goes without saying, but you’re not your father, Rayne.”
