What are you doing?
Chest still, I stopped and stared at my hand as some long-dead rendering of Primelle Hollaran reared up in revulsion.
I gagged and froze. My hand was still curled around the door’s handle, but despite my mind buzzing with disgust, my vampiric urgespoundedthrough me.
“Oh Gods.” I shoved the door closed, then swirled away from the courtyard and flew across my room, right toward my wardrobe. I barreled into the dark space and slammed the wardrobe’s door closed behind me.
Complete blackness surrounded me. Buried in a plume of dresses, slacks, and hanging sweaters, I pushed myself as far into the corner as I could, then sank to the floor.
Inadvertently, my fangs had fully lengthened, and venom dripped into my mouth.
“Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Don’t do it,” I chanted and rocked back and forth, then grabbed a dress and buried my face in it. I used the fluffy material to ground me and remind me of who I was. The real me. Not thisthingI’d turned into.
Control yourself. Control yourself, Primelle. Don’t do it.
I chanted internally over and over.
It took minutes, hours—I had no idea how long—before I’d finally thoroughly wrestled my new vampiric nature into submission.
Hands shaking, I slowly released the dress and leaned my head back.
Finally, my muscles unclenched, and my fangs retracted, but I howled and beat my fist against the wall. Even though I didn’t need to sleep, even though I didn’t feel tired, I forced my eyes to close and tried to slow my mind.
My uncle had said vampires could sleep if they wanted to, even if it wasn’t needed. I just had to learn how. Then, I could wake up in the morning, venture to the library, and nobody would be any the wiser that I’d almost attacked my guard.
I forced myself to take breaths, hoping that if I used my body as it’d once functioned, I’d be able to drift into unconsciousness.
Breathe in. Breathe out. In. Out.
It was strange, though, trying to relax and fall asleep while consciously forcing breaths. Not needing to rest felt so odd. It still amazed me that fatigue hadn’t hit me at all today, or even now, after I’d been wound so tight for who knew how long. Eventhathadn’t exhausted me, even if my mind was overwhelmed.
Yet my uncle had said sleepwaspossible.
“I need to learn how to do this,” I whispered to myself. Because if I never slept, my new existence could potentially torture me for all hours of the day, for endless days and nights.As evident by what had just happened, each night could be unbearable because I could be riddled with desire, unbidden thoughts, and unwanted needs.
Try to sleep. Keep your eyes closed and try to let it happen. Then you won’t hurt anyone.
I kept my eyes tightly closed and loosened my curled fingers around the hanging dresses. I just had to hold on for a few more hours and pass the time by sleeping. In the daytime, it hadn’t been this bad, but at night, alone, with no one watching me...
Sleep, go to sleep.
Because if I didn’t, nobody was safe from me.
Somehow,I managed to fall asleep and have a few hours’ reprieve, which meant that thankfully, I’d managed to go the entire night without attacking, compelling, drinking from, or killing anyone around me. But I didn’t sleep long or deeply, and I figured it would take practice to master the new art of sleeping theentirenight as a vampire.
Still...Score one for Primelle. Score zero for vampire nature.
I also took some hope in the fact that I’d found a way to control myself. Sleep could be an aid. And realizing that actually caused another flare of my old, hopeful self to emerge.I can do this. I would just need to tackle my new nature like I had everything else in my life—with forced optimism, even in the face of disaster.
I emerged from the wardrobe just as sunlight lit the horizon in an orange hue. I smoothed my wrinkled clothes but felt a moment of pride. I’d done it. I’d managed to sleep. I’d managedto do something that had felt impossible the night prior. It was simply one day at a time from now on, forever and ever.
I flung my magic out to contact Ree. I had no idea if she had to work today, but if she didn’t, I had a feeling she would be more than happy to join me at the library.
Her consciousness appeared to me readily, as it always did, since I was so practiced in contacting her. Not surprisingly, she was awake. I would have bet rulibs Siam could be thanked for that.
Good morning, Your Highness, she said with a yawn.
I snorted inwardly.Good morning, my subject.
