“—suggests that you weren’t in control.”
“I was in control.” The words came out hard, definitive. “I stopped when Jack and Gunner pulled me off. If I wasn’t in control, he’d be dead right now.”
“And that’s supposed to reassure me?”
I laughed, but there was no humor in it. “I can’t pretend I’m broken up about this, that I’m struggling with what I did.” I shook my head. “I’m not. The only thing I’m struggling with is how Kat will react when she finds out.”
There it was. The truth I’d been dancing around since I walked into her office.
Haizley’s expression softened. “You’re afraid she’ll see you differently.”
“I’m afraid of the same damn thing I’ve always been afraid of.”
The admission felt like ripping open a wound. But even as I said it, I knew that wasn’t the whole truth. The real truth sat like a stone in my gut, heavy and cold.
“That she’ll find out about Sam,” Haizley filled in for me when I couldn’t say the words. “You can’t keep this from her forever. Not if you want to have a relationship with Frankie.”
It wasn’t just Frankie I wanted a relationship with. I wanted them both. I wanted to be a father to Frankie, the one I should have been ten years ago. But I wanted Kat, too.
“What if she can’t forgive me?”
“Then she can’t forgive you,” Haizley said. “But that has no bearing on whether you forgive yourself. You’ve done the work, Derek.”
“How do I do that when I just proved I’m still capable of the same violence?”
“By understanding the difference between protective violence and destructive violence,” she said. “By recognizing that what you did to Richard came from a place of love and protection, not rage and insecurity. By accepting that you’re human. That you have limits. That you’re capable of violence when someone you love is in danger.”
She paused, her eyes holding mine. “What you did to Sam was wrong. But you’re not that man anymore, Derek. You’ve changed. You’ve grown. And you deserve the chance to prove that to Kat. To prove it to yourself.”
I wanted to believe that. I wanted to believe I was different. That I’d changed. That I wasn’t the same violent man who’d left Sam bleeding on the floor.
But the fear was still there, coiled tight around my ribs.
Because Richard was easy to defend. Richard was a predator, and I was a protector. That story made sense.
Sam was different. Sam was the story of a man who beat a pregnant woman in a jealous rage. A man who left her bleeding on the floor because he couldn’t control himself. A man who was exactly like his father.
And that story? That story made me exactly the kind of man Kat was trying to protect Frankie from.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” I admitted.
“Yes, you can,” Haizley said firmly. “You’ve already done the hardest part. You’ve acknowledged what you did. You’ve done the work to understand why you did it. Now you just need to be brave enough to let Kat see all of you. The good and the bad. The protector and the destroyer. And trust that she’s strong enough to make her own decision about what that means.”
I stood up, my body heavy with dread.
“What if her decision is to walk away?”
“Then you let her go,” Haizley said. “But you give her the chance to make that decision with all the information. You owe her that much.”
I nodded, unable to find words.
As I walked toward the door, Haizley called out, “Derek?”
I turned back.
“For what it’s worth,” she said, “I think you did the right thing with Richard. I think you saved that girl from something terrible. And I think Kat will see that too. But I also think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that saving one girl won’t erase what you did to another. That being a protector now doesn’t undo being a destroyer then.”
She paused, her voice softening. “You can’t control how Kat sees you. But you can control how you see yourself. And right now, you’re still seeing yourself through your father’s eyes. Through the eyes of a traumatized man who didn’t know love without destruction. It’s time to see yourself through the eyes of the people who have forgiven you.”
