Her mouth fell open slightly.
I covered my burning face with both hands.
“Hey…” She reached out and peeled one of my hands off my face, then held it awkwardly.Not a super touchy person, Toni, but she tried sometimes.“Tell me why.”
“Why?”
“Why are you scared?”she asked.“Is there something setting off an alarm?A red flag going up?What’s your gut telling you?”
I said it as I had the thought, still peeking out from behind one hand.“I’m afraid I’ve been in love with him for nine years.”
Again, her mouth was open but no sound came out.
I rushed to explain.“I thought I invented a version of him that was what I wanted, and that’s what I was obsessed with in school.But he is that guy—actually he’s way better than that guy—and I don’t fucking know what to do with that because it’s sobig.”And then I sat there, panting a little, like the sudden understanding, the confession, had knocked the damn wind out of me.
“Oh,” she said finally.“Oh.”
I nodded.“Oh.Fucking terrifying.”
“How long have you…?”
“I mean forever, but I just realized,” I said.“He keeps saying things that aresoclose toI love you, and he doesn’t even seem to notice, but it always drills down into my brain.It just gets stuck there.And you’re the only person in the world who knows how fucking big this is, Toni.You’re the only one who knows how fucking stupid I was for him then, and why I feel like I never stopped being stupid for him now.So please don’t…”
Aaaaand now my eyes were burning.
“Hey,” she said again, squeezing my hand tight.“Don’t.I’m sorry, D.I’m sorry, and I’ll tell him I’m sorry.I didn’t realize.”
I laughed and sniffled, blinking back tears.“I totally played the power bottom at first, too.It wasn’t just the boyfriend thing.”
She nodded.“But you want to be all submissive and cute?”
I nodded back.
She smiled slowly.“Iknewyou wanted him to beat your ass.I knew it the minute I heard you call him daddy, you little slut.”
I burst out laughing.“Shut up!”
She stood and held out both arms.
I stood and hugged her.
“I’ll apologize to him,” she said.“If he’s really that guy, he’ll understand.”
I knew he would.And I also knew she would understand that, “In the future, I need you to either be nice to him or shut the fuck up.”
“Understood.”
“Assuming he doesn’t dump me now.”
“Don’t be a dumb whore, Diego.Jesus Christ.”
Chapter 12: TARAN
Laterthatevening,Diegotexted to ask if Toni could have my number.Fifteen minutes later, she called.“I’m sorry.I was out of pocket with that shit about power and control and resources.”
“Maybe,” I said.I’d been thinking it all day.“But you weren’t totally wrong.”
“He’s not power playing you.He’s just scared.”
