“I’m. Done,” I repeated, my voice flat and emotionless. “I’m done pretending I can be something I’m not. I’m done trying to fix what can’t be fixed. I’m done lying to myself that I could ever be good enough for them.”
“Derek, you can’t give up now. Not after everything you’ve—”
“Everything I’ve what?” I demanded. “Everything I’ve worked for? Everything I’ve accomplished? It was all bullshit,Haizley. All of it. Because the second I got angry, the second I felt threatened, I reverted right back to what I’ve always been. A violent, uncontrollable animal who beats the fuck out of people when he’s pissed off.”
“That’s not true.”
“Yes, it is.” I stepped closer to her, and I saw the flicker of uncertainty in her eyes. The tiny moment of fear. “You’re afraid of me right now. I can see it.”
“I’m not—”
“Don’t lie to me.” My voice was quiet now, deadly calm. “You’re afraid. Just like Kat was afraid. Just like everyone should be afraid. Because I’m fucking dangerous. I’m unpredictable. And I can’t be fucking trusted.”
Haizley held my gaze. “I’m not afraid of you, Derek. I’m afraidforyou. There’s a difference.”
“There shouldn’t be.”
She took a deep breath. “What you did to Richard was justified. What you did to Zero was a reaction to pain and betrayal. But what you’re doing right now, giving up on yourself, accepting this narrative that you’re irredeemable... that’s the real tragedy.”
“It’s not a narrative,” I said quietly. “It’s the truth. And the sooner I accept it, the sooner I can stop pretending.”
“Pretending what?”
“That I deserve them.” My voice broke again. “That I deserve Kat. That I deserve to be Frankie’s father. That I deserve anything other than this cell and the darkness and the knowledge that I’m exactly what my father was.”
“You are nothing like your father.”
“I’m exactly like him.” I turned away from her, staring at the concrete wall. “He was violent. I’m violent. He couldn’t control his rage. I can’t control mine. He hurt the people hewas supposed to love and protect. And I...” My voice caught. “I terrified the woman I love. I showed her what I really am.”
Haizley was quiet for a long moment.
Then she said softly, “I can’t help you if you won’t let me.”
“I don’t want your help.”
“Derek—”
“I want you to leave.” I didn’t turn around. “I want you to go back upstairs and tell Jack that I’m done. Tell Cash I’ll stay in this cell as long as he wants. Tell him I don’t give a fuck anymore.”
“I’m not going to do that.”
“Then just leave.” My voice was hollow. “Please. Just leave me the fuck alone.”
I heard her take a step toward the door. Then she stopped.
“You’re not a monster, Derek,” she said quietly. “But if you keep telling yourself you are, eventually you’ll believe it. And that’s when you’ll actually become one.”
I didn’t respond.
After a moment, I heard the door open. Her footsteps retreated. The door closed.
And then I was alone again.
I sank back down onto the cot, my head in my hands.
She was wrong.
I didn’t need to become a monster.
