“Now, wait a minute-”
“No. This has to be said. You’ve been approached about dealing with him. I know this. I also know you keep brushing it off, and not making a decision. I can’t tell you the things I know, but this man doesn’t belong in this world, do you hear me? I’m not normally an advocate for violence, but this situation needs it. He needs to suffer, Henley.”
And suddenly I was seeing the non-calm version of Lissa. She was breathing faster, and her cheeks had reddened with her anger. Her fingers were twisting together as she tried to calm herself.
“Are you okay?”
She released a shaky breath and shook her head. “No. I will be, but for now I’m still reeling from the things I’ve been told. Sometimes my job is the best thing in the world, because I know I’m helping people, and it’s something I can brush off after…”
“But?”
She swallowed hard. “Sometimes I’m so furious, so heartbroken by what I hear, that it eats at me. I go home and cry and want to punch things, and Ice is only too willing to be my outlet for it, but it’s the helplessness that breaks me.” She sighed heavily, swiping at her eyes.
“I’m not here to add to your burden, Henley. I’m just showing you that you would be doing the world a favour by removing him. I know you want to, so I’m not sure what the hold-up is.”
And there it is. The fucking question that’s been bugging me for weeks. Maybe longer, since I hated the fucker from the first day we met. The smug asshole was baiting me the whole time, because he knew he had what I wanted.
“I’m in love with her,” I blurted, and cursed, rubbing both hands over my face.
“I know,” Lissa said simply, shocking the hell out of me. I grabbed the arms of my chair, darting a panicked look at the closed door.
“Does she know?!” Was my voice high for a reason? What the hell.
“I don’t believe so, but even if she found out today, she’s not in a place to process that information in the way you’d expect. She’s healing, or she’s trying. Some days will be okay, others will be bad. There won’t be good days for some time yet. What she needs is stability, support, and unwavering commitment to her. If you can’t give her that-”
“That’s all I fucking want!” I snapped, slapping a hand over my mouth the instant I said it. Why was I losing my temper with her? She wasn’t the bad guy here. I thought it was him, but now I’m wondering if it’s me! I swallowed hard as emotion rose in my throat. Fuck.
“Am… am I like him? Am I as bad as-”
She lifted both hands as she spoke. “No. No no no, Henley. You’re a good person, a good man. You want the best for her,likely for everyone in your life. There’s no evil in you. You couldn’t even conceive of doing the things he’s done. I think that’s what’s holding you back from this decision. Do you see that?”
Fuck me. How did I not see that?
“I’m a coward,” I whispered, feeling like one wrong word would fucking break me right now, “I’m holding off because I’m weak.”
Lissa shook her head. “No. It’s because it goes against everything you believe in, Henley. I know you can fight, I’ve heard, but I think it’s not in you to use violence unless provoked. I think it’s a defence rather than something you’d actively use to punish. This is a huge step for you. A break from the norm, but isn’t she? Isn’t she the biggest and most important thing in your life? Isn’t she the person you’d risk everything for?”
I nodded slowly, staring shamefully at my hands. I’d been hiding from a decision that should be so fucking easy. I’d had Micro and Ice, and even Rocket, demanding to know when we’re taking action, them holding off purely because, as her ‘protector’, they were letting it be my show, and here I was, hiding in my office, avoiding my prospect duties, and Jesus… risking losing my whole fucking club family.
“I’m appalled at myself,” I murmured, my eyes still on my hands, hands that could have dealt with the issue at hand, and given her the safety she needed. Hands that instead played at running a business that could honestly survive without me for a period of time. Hands that should be breaking that fucker’s bones, and were simply doing nothing of importance.
Lissa reached over and squeezed my hand, waiting until I lifted my eyes to her and the fact that her face was blurry told me that I was being even more of a coward right now.
“Oh Henley. I can see the pain, the agony, in your eyes. Don’t take this as something you failed at. Take it as an opportunityto fix something important. Give her the safety she craves. She won’t heal until she’s not living in fear of his return.”
“She… she said…”
“She told me. She doesn’t, for one second, think you’re like him. She was afraid, she was running on adrenaline, and she said something she didn’t believe. She’s struggling with how to approach that with you. To apologise. She knows who you are, Henley. You’re a sweet, decent man, and you’re struggling with this simply because violence isn’t in your nature. You have a large family of brothers now. Two whole chapters of the club. They’ll back you in this, they’ll even be your fists, trust me. You just need to believe in yourself to make this decision. It won’t change who you are.”
“I’d change anything for her.”
Lissa smiled. “Exactly. So here’s what I’d suggest. Take a few moments, get your breathing back to that slow steady pattern, and then pick up your phone. Call Micro, and tell him it’s time. Get this behind both of you, so you can move on.”
Like it’s that easy. Or is it? Do I just do that and it’s done?
“And then?”
“Then I’ll spend time with each of you, to help you through whatever you’re feeling. This isn’t the end of the road for anyone except him.”
