Does it make me a bad mother that I wanted to enjoy my partners just ateensybit longer before bringing a child into this world? I still need to finish medical school. Would I have time to be a mother? Oh my god…I’m going to be a mother.A little sprout of happiness begins to spread.
A slight knock interrupts my spiraling thoughts— “Sabrina?”
“Ehrm, yes?”
“You don’t have to be alone, you know?”
I open the door and Damon joins me in the small bathroom. Then, because I want to vomit… I grab his hand. Damon squeezes mine, and we wait together, looking as though we’re simply at a stoplight, waiting for the crosswalk to turn green so we can cross the street. It makes me feel like I'm five years old again and Mum’s walking me to primary. For a second, I can almost feel Charlie’s grasp on my empty hand. I close my eyes and let my dead brother breathe through me, feeling tranquil for the first time in what feels like ages.You’re going to be an uncle, Charlie. They’re going to know all about you…
“It’s time.”
Silver eyes clash with mine in the reflection of the mirror above the sink. I give Damon a curt nod, and he picks up the test. “Negative,” he saysin a voice so soft, but it feels as though it’s reverberated and broken into a million pieces around me.
No baby.
“Damon—” I choke on a sob, and before I can break, before I can lose it from a broken heart, he catches me.
“I got you,” he hushes, petting my hair.
We stand like that for a few abnormal heartbeats. I clutch around his torso, and he simply lets me cry. Suddenly I start to laugh and let go of him, stepping away to get some toilet tissue to blow and wipe my nose. “I’m sorry. I’m being absurd.”
“Sabrina…” He turns us and leads us to the sofa where he has us sit. “Have you thrown up today?”
I shake my head, leaning forward and resting my elbows on my knees. “No, I haven’t.”
“How have you felt being here again with both partners under the same roof?”
“Exhausted. Like my entire being could slip into hibernation.”
“But your vomiting grew worse when you were with Kane?”
My stomach flips at the mention of his name. “Yes.”
He puts a hand on my forearm. “I think these were manifestations of psychosomatic symptoms. You’ve been under an unreal amount of stress these past few weeks, putting yourself in situations that are completely out of your normal, and let’s not forget, you had that anal pore of a human touching you.” I giggle at his insult. “You were trying to bottle everything up inside, making you sick. Not getting your period can also be the cause of stress. And I’ve seen you rage vomit quite a few times these past few months. But what I think we need to talk about was your reaction to the negative test results.”
I use one arm to wrap around my middle. “Because while I was trapped in that hell house, I imagined all kinds of futures to keep myself from not just breaking but completely dissolving. Because I wasn’t sure if I was getting my husband back, and then I found him, and then he was taken awayagain,and I feel like I’ve gone topsy-turvy. He’s with me, but he’s not with me. He feels far away even when he’s right there.” I point to the ceiling, where Maksim is currently located—still in bed with Parker. “I know he’s only been back for two days, and we’re set to leave tomorrow night, but… he feels out of sorts, and I don't know how to save him this time. What kind of wife am I if he can’t talk to me? And what kind of wife am I that I want to fix it with sex?”
“Trauma can be…tricky. Everyone heals differently, and hypersexuality is a complex trauma response. It’s a way for you to be able to regain or manage your control over your fears or to simply cope.” Damon sighs that Damon sigh that ends with a bit of a frustrated groan, “Can I… reassure you he’s waiting on your backto heal before he—and I’m paraphrasing here—fucks you so deeply you both forget your names?”
I let out a soft laugh. “Actually, yes, that does help a bit.”
Damon flashes me one of those radiant grins of his and pats my forearm. “When we get back to the States, I’ll make an appointment for you to have some lab work done so we can check your cortisol levels and see what else we need to work on. For now…” He gets up and goes to the door and opens it and Raven steps past the threshold. “Maybe you should have some girl time.”
She practically skips to me and sits beside me. Her dark curls are so long they reach past her boobs. Her… very large breasts. I have to tear my eyes away from them.
“Oh, Damon, before you leave?”
“Yes?”
“You’re very good at what you do, you know? Sneaking that bit in there and having me talk? Good on you, Doctor. The best.”
He gives me a cheeky smile and leaves us alone.
“Did you get a boob job while I was gone?” I reach out and lift her breasts, letting them drop. “It’s not a push-up bra. I…” I look at her breasts sitting atop her small, rounded stomach. I stand up then sit back down again, hands on my thighs, a bit aghast. “You’ve…” I blink back the happy tears that well into my eyes, but they fall anyway. “Oh, Raven, you've made me an auntie.”
Her hands lift between us.Are you okay with this? Me coming here? I wasn’t sure, but Damon said you would need me, and I came as fast as I could. I just don’t want this to be uncomfortable for you.
My mind flits back to a memory that feels like it happened lifetimes ago. When we stood together on a crowded street in New York.Dreams can change. I think… I think a part of me really wants to be a mom.I can’t believe I'm saying this, but I want a big family. I want… I want everything that was almost taken away from me.
