Was it? Because what was I going to do? Get her rocks off on her fantasies of control by commanding her into another man's bed? Two birds, one stone.
"You wanted it, Lola. Two people were involved, and you had a safe word. I gave that to you. All I did was nudge?—"
"Push."
"—you into exploring your fantasies, ones you already had. And also the feelings you had. I know you well enoughto know if you didn't want me, you'd have flat-out told Alex no."
Her voice comes out strangled. "Alex is you! And it doesn't matter if I wanted you or not. You still took that...vulnerability and used it against me."
My hold on the conversation slips. "Not against you. Never against you."
"Manipulation, Enzo. And it wasn't up to you to make a decision under false pretenses, even with a safe word."
I nod. "And what was I meant to do, Lola? Tell you the truth? By then we were in deep, and?—"
"Yes. Yes. I expected that. It could have been a risk, but you should have owned up to pretending to be Alex. I'd have believed you if you told me you made up the name. When I told you about who my new boss was, you could have come clean that you were him."
"And you'd have taken that in your stride, would you?"
"I don't know. I will never know. I wasn't given the opportunity."
"And then what? The conversation now would be about the smaller lie leading up to me saying, 'Hey, I'm not Alex, I'm Enzo'?"
"I don't know. But maybe it would be a better, easier conversation. Again, Enzo, it wasn't up to you to make decisions for me."
I don't say a word because, as much as I hate to admit it, she's right.
"Lola...I'm sorry. I truly am. I can't turn back the clock. And I know words are cheap, but if I could, I would, and I'd sit you down and talk."
She nods tightly.
"But I can't. You get that, right? I can't. All I can do is reiterate that I'm sorry, specifically for pushing you to dothings as Alex. It was wrong. And it wasn't needed for me to do anything with you in order to protect you."
I stop talking for a moment, thinking. I gesture to the bed.
She nods.
I sit next to her.
"What I'm going to say is not about me looking to soften it or anything. Wrong is wrong. But I know why I did it. I couldn't help it. I wanted you, and we had a vibe, and I crossed a line. I'm sorry."
"Okay."
I bite back a sigh. "Lola, you'd be well within your rights not to forgive me. I don't mean now, I mean one day, down the track. I get that that day might not ever come."
"God, Enzo, you make it hard..." Her voice is just above a whisper.
I push a hand through my hair. "I don't mean to. But I do hope that you can see, while what I did is questionable, my intentions were with your best interests at the core."
"My best interest was to fuck you as Alex pretending to be you? To be pushed to seduce you by you?"
"Put that way, it sounds bad. I mean, sure, I wanted you to explore the things you wanted to explore. I wanted you to have the courage to find the perimeters of your fantasies. And the thing is, your fantasies are the same ones I possess. Which is rare."
"So, it's just you, and no one else?"
I could say yes. I don't. "What we have is rare. Two people with an attraction, an affection—I hope—that are into the same kinks is rare. But it's not impossible for you to find this with someone else, if you want."
"No. I don't want. But..."
