“Kade, you are all kinds of fucked up,” I say with a sad smile. His head jerks up, surprise on his face. “If you’re looking for a safe relationship, you’re going to be shit out of luck. You’ve set this up,” I say, my hand waving at the space between us, “in your mind so you…we, end up alone, no matter what. I’ll either go away because I don’t need you anymore, or I’ll go away because it might hurt to lose me? Jesus, talk about a rock and a hard place.” I shake my head, baffled by his logic. “What a shitty way to live, Kade.”
His mouth firms and his eyes flare. “You don’t have the first fucking clue what it’s like to watch someone self-destruct, Becca. It’s soul-destroying.”
I laugh in disbelief. Does he seriously think he’s the only one who’s lost someone?
“No, you’re right. I don’t know, dumbass. But I know exactly what it’s like watching someone you love slip away,” I sob, the pressure in my chest needing a release. “I watched my dad fade away, Kade. I held him as he cried on the bathroom floor. I helped him shave his head when the chemo made his hair fall out. I cleaned him up when he couldn’t control his bowels at the end. I was there for every single, heartbreaking, soul-destroying second of it.”
My eyes are red, my loss and pain naked on my face. He needs to see it. See that I can fucking live with it. That I wear it proudly, a sign of how much I loved my Dad. Love him still. “And you know what, Kade? I would do it all over again in a heartbeat if it meant I could have him back again, even if it was just for an hour. Being there for the people you love. It’s not a burden. It’s a privilege.” Kade’s motionless, focused on me. I wipe my eyes, so tired of all of it. The pulling away, the doubt.
“I never needed you,” I tell him, honestly.
He frowns and slowly shakes his head. “Everything you own was in your car, Becca. You needed help.”
I shrug, and his mouth tightens.
“You did,” he insists.
“Maybe, but I had more than enough money in my wallet for a bus ticket home. I could have gone to a hostel or gotten a hotel room. And I have the names of at least ten people in this city I met through the tournament circuit who would let me crash on their couch in a heartbeat. I was in a shitty spot, Kade, yes. But I had options other than you.”
I’m so tired. He’s so lost. We’re so lost.
“When I met you,” I say quietly, “I made the choice not to exercise any of them. I wanted to be near you. And you were so insistent on helping. I let you.”
I step closer to him, hating that I’m going to hurt him, but needing to give him the whole truth. “I don’t need you. I don’t need you now. And I didn’t need you then.” I press my hand briefly to his chest, wanting to feel his warmth one last time. “I chose you, Kade,” I whisper before dropping my hand and moving around him toward the door, needing him to go.
29
BECCA
His hand tangling with mine, dragging me to a stop, steals my breath. I clench my eyes shut, not sure how much more of this I can take. “You were already leaving Becca,” he says quietly, “You got a different job, remember.”
“Yes, Kade. I remember,” I say shortly. “I left the garage for a job doing exactly what I love. That didn’t mean I was going to leave you. You’re the one that kept pulling away.”
“I know,” he says, voice heavy. I squeeze his fingers briefly before relaxing in his hold. “You’re nothing like them. I know that. But…it just didn’t make sense why you’d want to be with me otherwise.”
I can hear the weight of our mistakes in his voice. My heart is breaking all over again. How can he not see how wonderful he is? “Oh, Kade. There’s so much more to you than what you can do for people. You’re such an amazing friend. You’re a great boss. You’re kind and giving. You care about people. And you look at me, big Becca, one of the guys, Becca, like I’m a supermodel. Why wouldn’t I want to be with you? But if you can’t see that? If you can’t believe that. There really is no hope.” My voice breaks at the end. I tug on my hand, but his grip tightens.
“Colt just said the same thing,” he says, his voice ragged. “He thinks you’re the best thing to ever happen to me.”
I feel him coming before he touches me, the waves of heat coming off his body warming my back as he approaches. I shudder as he presses his body against me, his thighs against mine, his groin to my ass.
His head lowers, and he growls in my ear, “When he came at you with that knife, Bec, fuck, that was the worst moment of my life by far.”
His hands grip my arms, pulling me tighter, closer until I can’t tell where he ends and I begin.
“Somehow…you became everything to me over the last month. It’s fucking terrifying. So yeah, I pulled away.” His hands tighten on my shoulders. “But knowing you could be taken from me in that office, in that moment…it was fucking awful. But,” he pauses, clearing his throat, “you broke him, Becca. I…fuck. You had that piece of shit unconscious before I could get to you.”
I tense, worried about what he’s going to say next. “You were so cold, Kade. You looked at me like I was a stranger.”
I feel him nod and exhale. “I’m sorry. I was…battling with myself. About not being able to protect you. About losing you. I have no idea how to handle you, Becca. You’re so much more than I expected. Then I’ve ever had…You don’t need me.” His voice is tinged with wonder.
“No,” I agree, hope and fear warring inside me.
“You could walk away any time,” he mutters.
“Yes. I could.”
And I will if I have to.
