I had set a grueling schedule for myself, covering all the store hours alone plus doing all the buying trips. The only time I was away from the store was usually for business, barring a few rare weekend getaways with my girlfriends. But, more often than not, Mindy or Jo would come to my place, and we would work on something for the store. They never complained, though.
I tried to think of the last time we had even gone up to wine country and sadly realized it was probably going on a few years. If I really thought about it, I don’t think I’ve done anything not work related for at least three years.
I weigh her words and realize Luke and McHottie aren’t the actual issue. I’m the issue. It's me. I need to make time for myself and get back to being me. Because Iama beautiful, confident, strong woman.
I don’t need a man to tell me that or reassure me. I need to reassure myself. Yes, I still want to see both of them, and I’d love to see what could happen. Yes, I want to fall in love. But more importantly, I need to come into my own. I’ve worked my ass off to be where I am at.
“You’re right. This is not sustainable. And I can’t depend on a man for my self-worth. I need to be enough for me.”
Mindy clinks her glass to mine and says, “And there you have it.”
I look back up at the stars and silently tell my mom I love her. And although I miss her inexplicably, she gave me the best advice. Lean into my friends. It feels good to do so and also to make space in my heart for myself.
Now I need to make space in my life for me. And I’ve got to get some fun in. I’m 30 years old, for goodness’ sake, and I have no life outside the business.
Mindy continues, “So, we’ve established you don’t need a man for self-worth. You are your own champion. But is there one you want more than the other?”
It’s a brilliant question. They couldn’t be more different. “I mean, maybe whichever one sticks around for more than a minute?”
We laugh, and it feels good. There isn’t an answer. I do want to get to know each one better. And I want to get to know myself.
I tell Mindy that when I get home, I’m going to think about having someone pick up one or two days a week at the store so I can have some time to myself and to focusonthe business instead of beinginthe business every day.
“Do you want me to come down to make up some more pretty dead things,” she deadpans.
We break into belly laughs. Mindy is great at crafts, but dreads seeing what materials we will work with for my version of art projects. She also says my taxidermy gives her the willies and swears Van Helsing has a trapped soul.
She must love me a lot to keep coming to Grimm. I vow to visit my friends more. I need to be a good friend in return. Although, now that I think of it, we’ve never been to Jo’s house out in the middle of nowhere. I’ll offer to visit her next since she is coming out to watch the store for me.
We sit talking into the night, watching the fire die and drain our bottles of wine. Mindy taps out and collects her sleepy dogs, but I stay for a little while longer, enjoying the quiet sounds of the night and the glittering stars overhead. Soaking in the peace of the moment, I just breathe without thinking, what’s next?
I stare out over the mountain. The fading sun reduces the surrounding woods to dark and then darker shadows. I scan their purple depths, delighted to see the first flickers of the year’s lightning bugs. I watch their strange blinking pattern, frowning when I see something that doesn’t quite fit.
Nope, definitely not fireflies. Further up the mountain, far from the light cast by the fire, I see two golden glowing eyes.
I blink, but the eyes remain, staring. And that’s my cue for bed,I think as I make my way to the safety of the house. Mindy has bears on her mountain, and I’m not ready to be a bedtime snack.
Or at least not for a bear, anyway. Now McHottie or Luke? I’d be happy to be their bedtime snack. If either of them could get their shit together.
Someone prying my eyelids open pulls me from sleep. I pretend to snore loudly and Mindy’s littlest ones, the twins, break out in giggles. Acting as if I am still asleep and dreaming, I sweep them up and tickle them. It’s all fun and games until two of the fluffy golden retrievers pile on and then it’s bedlam.
I extricate myself from the pile and go in search of coffee and Mindy. I need to get home. This detour has added a few hours to my drive home, but I’m so happy I came. The time is worth the clarity Mindy gives me.
I find her frothing oat milk next to the coffeepot, since I have her hooked on my concoction, too. She hands me a travel mug and says, “Hit the road, Jack. Go live your best life. Let’s get together soon. I can’t go so long without seeing you again.”
“Me neither,” I say, blinking back tears as I squeeze her tight. Taking the mug, I say goodbye to the endless stream of pets and kids as I make my way back out to my car. The early sun feels warm on my head, hope from the possibilities a new day brings bubbles up inside of me.
I’m so thankful for Mindy’s friendship. Her no-nonsense but supportive approach was exactly what I needed. The new day and new perspective have me feeling more centered and less fragile.
Acknowledging being confident and true to myself independent of a relationship is a pivotal moment for me. Yes, I want to fall in love. But more importantly, I need to be the best version of myself that I can be.
I pull up my favorites playlist since the station labeled upbeat yesterday was such a disaster and hit the winding roads that will lead me back toward the interstate. One of my favorite driving songs comes on and I crank down my window, turn up the volume, and sing at the top of my lungs along with the Violent Femmes.
Great song after great song plays as I sing my way south. I’m looking forward to giving my schedule a hard reboot, starting by asking Anna if she wants to pick up a day a week.
Working only five days a week sounds like heaven. And if I can swing it financially, she could pick up a second day, and I could take one day to devote to working on the businessandhave a day off.
If I am strategic and use that time to grow the business, like finally figuring out all the social media like I’ve been meaning to, having her there should pay for itself. I feel good about this plan, excited to get home and iron out the details.
