That second breaks the spell. He drops his hands, looking shocked, and steps back. I stumble with the sudden loss of support from his arms.
“I must go,” he says and runs from the room. His loss leaves me cold. I turn to follow, stretching my hand out to him, but before I can even take a step, I hear the front door close, unsure how he could have reached it already.
This time, I don’t chase him. I saw his face fall. Something caused his reaction, but I’m puzzled by what it could have been.
Yesterday, or even earlier today, I would have fallen into despair, thinking I wasn’t good enough or skinny enough, or that I had done something wrong. But in this moment, despite the splotch of the face mask left over on my cheek and the pink bunny slippers in sharp contrast to my open smoking jacket, IknowI am beautiful. I am strong.
And I am very, very much his. Judging by his reaction, it seems he knows it, too. And in my newfound strength, I know I can navigate whatever this is with him, and more importantly, with myself.
Iburst out her front door, running away from my impulsivity. This is not what I had intended. I hadn’t seen the Red One in many years and seeing him threatening to approach her tonight derailed my carefully laid plans.
I had planned to woo her, court her, and make her fall madly in love with me. Build trust before I divulge my secrets. And hers. But after I had chased him away at the bank, in my ferocious Cane Corso form, I had to see her and reassure myself that she was indeed safe.
As soon as I had entered the bar, I could smell the desire on the bartender and couldn’t resist the instinct to claim her as mine any more than I could resist the compulsion to see her safely back home.
And then at her house, where she flicked my finger with her tentative tongue, I couldn’t help but taste her back. One taste, I promised myself, and then I would strategize a path forward.
The second I tasted her throat and heard her blood sing to me, though, I knew I could not stay in control. I forced myself to run away and calm down. But before I fled, I saw her crestfallen face.
By the time I had made it to my new building next to hers, faster than her eyes could follow, I knew I couldn’t leave her doubting all that she is, not only to me but to herself.
She is the rarest treasure, her value more precious than jewels, her worth far above rubies or pearls. Although man had destroyed much of the true words, truer words about her had never been spoken. I hear the little jabs she uses to degrade herself, the insecurities she lets slip under the guise of humor.
I want—no, I need—for her to see herself the way I have always seen her. Beautiful. Powerful. Worthy. Cherished. Loved beyond all boundaries of time. And tonight, I showed her. That I could never regret.
Confessing my love in one of my earliest languages, though, risking another lifetime, that I regretted. Those words could easily call the wrong attention.
I am desperate for one,just one,happy lifetime together. Just one without pain and suffering. If I were a praying man, I would fall to my knees and beg. But I know better.Hequit hearing me a long, long time ago.
I need to step back, level set, and logically think through what will give this lifetime the best chance of success. And there is no way for me to do so with her rose smell in my nose, her taste on my tongue, her blood singing to me, and her release on my fingers.
I have failed time and time again. I have no more tears after all these years, no more heartbreak left. All that remains is her and my undying love for her. She will be mine. There is no other acceptable outcome.
I’ve been told I am obsessed. As if simple obsession could describe the depth of my love and the lengths I will go to for her. I am not obsessed. She is the light. My own lifeblood.
But tonight, seeing that drop of her blood, shimmering red on her lip swollen in pleasure, had been too reminiscent of my downfall. Of the beginning. I had to escape.
I must pull myself together.
I draw my focus inward, calling on my logic and carefully laid plans. I cannot survive another lost lifetime,losing her again. This time, I vow to myself, this time will be the last. And ifHewon’t listen, I know who will.
Iputz around Grimm, lost in thought. Time keeps passing by since themirror incident, as I refer to it in my head. I had expected to run into him the following day, or even the next.
I had been getting dolled up and dressing cute. Hell, I even shaved my legs.And other places,I thought, as I carefully scratched my bikini line.
I had taken to checking the progress of his construction, hoping to glimpse the mysterious McHottie. But he is gone. Vanished for the past few days now.
I didn’t want to ask the builders. That would seem so desperate. Deep down, I know we connected that night. I know it in my very soul.
I cursed the timing of the Oddities Expo that I would head up to Philly for, but it couldn’t be helped. Despite missing him, I still have a business to run and an overseas trip to prepare for. I have to go about my life, regardless of what happened.
I am trying to be patient with whatever is going on, but my mind constantly drifts back to that night. No matter how hard I try, I cannot figure out what he said to me in that strange language. I blame the alcohol and lack of blood flow to my brain at that moment, but I wonder if what he said is the key.
Otherwise, I feel pretty good. My attitude toward myself has improved. It is as if that night had nudged me closer to self-acceptance. And at 30 years old, that feels so incredibly healthy. Desperately wanting someone to see me, truly see me, made me realize that what I needed all along was to see myself.
Sure, I’m not perfect, no one is, but I am me. And I am wonderful. It is such a juxtaposition to have a seismic shift in how I see myself, but also to be so disappointed and confused about what happened with McHottie.
I finish dusting the display up front, making some last-minute rearrangements. The front display must be frequently changed to prevent sun damage. Today, I put out the remaining pressed carnivorous flowers. They’ve been a tremendous hit, and I need to remember to pick up some more before Halloween.
