I’ve never known it, but the moment they ripped it from me, something inside me shattered. It wasn’t just a bruise, but an amputation, something torn from my chest. Whatever fragile pieces were there, slowly fitting together from loving him, have been pulled apart by his absence.
If this isn’t love, then I don’t know what is.
My mind flicks to him once more, how I broke him by lying, by making him fall in love with someone like me…
But ending it…taking myself from this world…he’d never forgive himself. He’d shoulder the blame. He’s the one who left me here. It would ruin him. I can’t do that. Not to him.
I’ve wrecked him enough as it is.
Slowly, I put the knife back.
I can make it another day without doingthat. I can.
I will.
It’s been five days since he left, and I can’t breathe. Each hour bleeds into another, each day the same as the one before it. My phone’s died, and I don’t bother to charge it. He hasn’t called or texted anyway. What’s the point of keeping it on when the one person who matters has left me? I have no one else I want to hear from.
I’m going to miss my finals, and I don’t care. Nothing matters. What is the point of life when there’s no one in it to love me? No one’s ever loved me enough to stay, and the one who did, I drove away with my lies.
A knock on the door has me glancing at it, but I don’t move.
Whoever is there can go fuck themselves.
“Open up, asshole,” Sem grumbles from the other side, and I inhale sharply. Sem reminds me of Caleb, and thinking of Caleb makes me want to rip into my skin and bleed all over the floor. I’ve barely kept it together the past few days. I don’t need this.
Go the fuck away!
“You asked for it,” Sem says roughly, and then I hear a faint scratching. The front door pops open, and Sem steps inside. Seeing him, how similar he is to Caleb, steals the breath from my body.
Sem looks around the filthy apartment with a scowl on his face. “Smells like shit in here, man.”
He’s right. It does. Because I’m unwashed, and I haven’t cleaned.
And I don’t care.
I could die tomorrow, and it wouldn’t matter.
I stare up at him from the couch but remain silent. I have nothing to say. Can’t speak anyway. Too many memories of Caleb are filtering through my mind right now.
Sem finally looks at me. “Wondering why I’m here?”
When I don’t respond, he sighs. “Caleb wanted me to check on you.”
My heart clenches in my chest, and I pant. So much fucking pain. Can’t breathe.
Sem moves to stand in front of me, and he crouches down, his eyes meeting mine. “Wanted me to check your arms and legs, man.”
I clench my jaw, breathing heavily through my nose, and look away. Can’t look too long at those blue eyes. So much likehis.
“Shit,” Sem mutters, and then he stands up. He glances around the apartment once more, shaking his head, and then he’s gone, the door clicking shut behind him. And I’m all alone. Again. I’ll always be alone.
I didn’t have to be. But I chose this, didn’t I?
He said he loved me. Or was I just imagining that? But he still must care because he sent someone to check in on me. He still has to feel something for me. Right?
A tear slips down my cheek, and suddenly I’m sobbing, my entire body shaking. It’s messy and ugly, but I can’t stop the flood. I just clutch at my chest, hold on to my stomach as I curl up on the couch, and ride through it.
When my tears finally stop, when my body is drained, and when I finally manage to swallow the hollow moans wrenched from my soul, I hear another gentle knock on the door. And when I don’t answer, don’t call for anyone to come in, the handle turns.
