“The whole marriage was a mess and a mistake from day one. But then Li arrived and I held her in my arms for the first time, and I knew she wasn’t a mistake . . .” he trailed off and I saw his eyes getting moist.
He stopped pacing and smiled to himself, as if he was recalling a memory. “I was obsessed with her from day one. We were inseparable and I admit it, I gave my daughter much more attention and affection than I ever gave my wife. Another thing she resented, another thing we fought about. Day in and day out. It was draining and we were always at each other’s throats and I couldn’t take it anymore and that’s when I . . .” He paused and looked pained. “It was a one-time mistake and when I told her about it, that’s when everything fell apart.”
“Sleeping with another woman will do that!”
“I know,” he said. A sad, defeated looked washed over him. Like a beaten dog. All that Ben confidence and bravado was gone. I wasn’t used to seeing this side of him and it made me feel very uncomfortable.
“Believe what you like, Sera. I wasn’t a great husband, I’m the first to admit that, but I was a great dad . . . I was agreatdad. Cheating on your wife does not make you a bad dad.I was a great dad.”
He kept saying that.
“But Mei couldn’t keep those two things separate. I think her ego wouldn’t allow it, so, when she filed for divorce she decided to punish me for it. And she knew exactly where it would hurt the most—Li.” He started wringing his hands as if the mere memory still haunted him.
“She pulled out every dirty trick in the book, telling the attorney that I was a wild party animal, that I went out with friends and got pissed, that I was a cheating bastard, that I screamed at her in from of Li, that I was irresponsible. Some of the stuff was true, but the rest was blown out of proportion until she made me look like some partying, alcoholic sex addict. By the time she and her lawyer were finished with me, no judge was letting me near Li unsupervised. The irony is that Mei didn’t even want to be a full-time mother; Li was living with her grandparents half the time. I should have gotten custody, but she just did all of it to punish me.”
Ben stopped. He looked like he was in so much pain that, despite myself, my heart went out to him.
“Then she decided to move back to China with her parents. She got this big modeling job there, and I tried to stop her. I threw every last cent I had at lawyers. I basically bankrupted myself doing it. But she had custody and she could go wherever she wanted. She tried to leave the country without letting me say goodbye to Li, but I found out and went to the airport.”
He stopped talking again and turned away from me as if he couldn’t bear to look at me. “I reached them just in time, but Mei got her parents to take Li onto the plane. Li was screaming and crying for me, but they wouldn’t let me see her. And then Mei told me I would never see her again. I tried to reason with her, ‘just let me say goodbye, let me hold my baby and let me kiss her goodbye.’” His voice was quivering, and I couldn’t see his face, but I was pretty sure he was fighting back tears. “I tried to stop her and that’s when things went wrong.”
He paused again for a long time, kicking a small stone into the road. “I tried to push through the boarding gate, but the security guards stopped me and that’s when I lost it. I fought back, and I didn’t stop fighting until they had to physically restrain me. I broke one of the guard’s ribs.”
I gasped at this.
“Of course Mei just used this against me even more and filed a restraining order, even though we weren’t even in the same country. She told the lawyers that she was afraid of me, that I was abusive and dangerous and aggressive . . .” He turned around and his eyes sought mine. He seemed to be pleading with me. “I just wanted to see my daughter. I just wanted to hold her and say goodbye.”
“Jesus,” I said.
“The guard took pity on me, he’s a divorced dad too and dropped the assault charges, but the courts made me go to anger management and I’ve been jumping through hoops ever since trying to prove that I’m not some evil, aggressive person and that I’m a good father. I got a good job, worked my way to the top, paid my taxes, bought a house, acted like a responsible grown-up and stayed out of fights. I still wasn’t allowed to see my own daughter, though. And because of the restraining order I wasn’t even allowed a fucking phone call. Not one. Not on her birthday, not on Christmas. I would have given everything for one minute with her. Anything. Everything I do, every day, is for her.”
I stood listening to him, but I had no idea how to respond to any of it. It was just so much to take in at once.
“Then she came back to South Africa six months ago and after more lawyers, and more fighting and more courts, the restraining order was finally dropped and I was allowed to see her again. I thought she would have forgotten me, but she hadn’t, she . . .” Ben teared up again and I stood there shocked as I watched a small tear travel down his cheek. “She remembered me and when she hugged me, it was as if no time had passed. But it had, I’d missed out on years and years of my daughter’s life.”
“But you’re allowed to see her again?” I asked.
“Yes. It’s still supervised, with a court-appointed social worker or her parents or Lerato. Lerato likes me though, and I think she sees how close Li and I are, so she turns a blind eye to us spending time together alone. But that could come back to seriously bite me one day. The other Saturday night when you came over, Mei was there inspecting my new house to decide whether Li would be allowed to have sleep-over visits. My lawyers have been hitting her hard for joint custody, and I think she’s starting to get tired of fighting, not to mention seriously financially drained. But I know her. She’s looking for one slip-up, anything to use against me. And I know what she’s like with other women—” Ben looked up at me and sort of managed a small smile, “—especially women who are more beautiful than her. And especially women that I like. That’s why I sent you away on Saturday. Not because something was happening with her. But because I knew that if she saw you and I together for a second, she would see how I felt about you and God only knows what she would have done.”
“Why . . . why didn’t you tell me any of this before?”
“Because I like you.Morethan fucking like you, Sera.”
I shook my head. “That makes no sense. If you liked me, you would have told me the truth.”
“The truth? That I have an ex-wife, that I was a bad husband and cheated, that I have a daughter, that I was arrested for beating up a security guard, that I’m in anger management, that I have to check in with a psychologist to make sure I’m fit to see my daughter and that I’m not some aggressive lunatic, that my ex is watching my every move and waiting for me to fuck up in the slightest, that I’m engaged in constant, time-consuming and fucking soul-destroying legal battles.”
He started shaking his head. “That makes me sound like the last guy on earth you should date. But I swear, I’m not a bad guy. I just wanted the opportunity to prove that to you before you made a judgment based on my past.” He paused and a knot in my stomach started to twist. I’d said that before too, I also omitted tales about my past for fear of judgment.
“I just wanted you to go on one date with me, just one . . . I wanted you to get to know me before I dropped this on you. I know that was wrong and manipulative, and I’m so, so sorry.” He shook his head. “My life is so messed up and anyone who gets involved with me is going to have to put up with—”
And then he stopped talking and it looked like something dawned on him. He stood there, deep in thought for what seemed like ages, before he squared off and looked me straight in the eye with an expression I suddenly couldn’t read. “You’re probably right not to go out with me. I shouldn’t have dragged you into this. It was selfish of me . . . but you came along and I wanted to be with you so badly . . . I’m sorry, Sera. I’m bad news. You’re too good for me.”
He walked up to me and without asking, hugged me. He held onto me so tightly that it was difficult to breathe. I found myself wrapping my arms around him too, and I didn’t quite know why. He lowered his lips to my forehead and kissed me. Then he cupped my face and kissed me. The kiss was short, but so full of meaning.
I watched him walk away. I didn’t know if I was angry with him, or felt desperately sorry for him. I didn’t know if I wanted to hug him and hold him and tell him everything was going to be okay, or I wanted to fuck him, or slap him. He stopped when he got to the car and looked at me. He smiled.
“I’m still totally in love with you though.” And then he got into his car and drove off.
