“Just what, Ryan?” I demand loudly over the noise of the rain. “What would you like me to do? Listen to your side of the story? Trust you? Is that what you want?”
“You have to understand why I couldn’t tell you, Harper! I wanted to talk to you. Ihatedthat I couldn’t say anything. I hated myself for knowing. That’s why I had to distance myself from you, because I couldn’t bear the idea of not being able to tell you. I wasn’t going to make the same mistake as last time and act normal around you with this huge, horrible secret I didn’t even want to know! I would have done anything for us not to be colleagues so I could—”
I throw my head back and laugh, the rain pouring freely down my face, my mascara no doubt smudging over my cheeks.
“Well, whaddya know, Ryan? You got your wish! We are officially no longer colleagues. I don’t have a job anymore, so there you go. You can wipe your hands of me.”
He recoils, stung. Good.
“How can you say that?” he asks me, his cheeks flushing red. “You know how I feel about you.”
“What I know is that you lied to me and betrayed meagain,” I say, my voice shaking as I blink back hot tears that threaten to spill over. “And then you made me think thatIhad done something wrong, by essentially ignoring me these last few days. You have no idea how this feels. If I thought I was humiliated last time, it’snothing to how I feel right now. This job waseverythingto me. And now it’s gone. You and Cosmo can have a splendid time in your little boys’ club, printing whatever the fuck you want to print. I’m no longer the thorn in your sides.”
“That’s not what it’s like,” he says, the hand not holding the umbrella clenching into a fist. “I hate how he treats you. I have only ever admired what you do, Harper. For fuck’s sake, I know this is a shock, but this job is not everything to you.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “Excuse me?”
“What I mean is that you are better than this job, Harper,” he presses. “You are one of the best journalists I’ve ever met! Everyone in the industry knows it. I knew it before, but now that I’ve had the opportunity to see you at work, I’m even more convinced that what you have is an extremely rare talent. You draw the best out of everyone. And you know what? Cosmo has been holding you back. This magazine has been holding you back. I get that being made redundant is scary, but you can do whatever you want now, Harper, and I think that you can do a lot.” He sighs. “I appreciate that you probably don’t want to hear this from me right now, but I think that this could be a good thing.”
I shake my head at him. “You are unbelievable. This isn’t a good opportunity, Ryan. This is it. I won’t come back from this.”
“What are you talking about?”
“My parents were right all along. I shouldn’t keep trying at a career that’s going nowhere,” I admit, trembling.
“You don’t mean that,” he states. “You’re angry and upset. You’re in shock. You need to go home and rest. Let me come with you. Let me take you home.”
“I do mean it, Ryan,” I say, tears streaming down my cheeks as the anger crumbles into hurt. “I’m at the top of my game and I’m still somehow failing. You say that everyone knows how good I am, but look at me. I’m redundant. I’m standing in the rain withyou, eleven years after my first big failure, and here I am, a failure once again. I give up.”
“So, you’ve had one setback and now you’re giving up?” he huffs impatiently.
“A setback? I’ve lost my job! It’s all I have!”
“It isnot all you have,Harper,” he practically yells, his tone taking me by surprise. “This job is not your be-all and end-all. It’s ajob.It’s not who you are.”
“That just goes to show you don’t know me at all.”
I let out an involuntary sob, and he instinctively takes a step toward me, his arm reaching up to my face, but I bat him away, recoiling from him.
“Leave me alone, Ryan. I’m going home.”
“Let me come with you,” he says softly, his stern expression crumpling. “I don’t want you to be on your own. Not when you’re like this.”
“I want to be alone,” I insist.
“Harper,” he pleads, “let me—”
“I don’t want to have anything to do with you, Ryan,” I snap. “This is it. We’re done.”
His jaw clenches. “Don’t say that. Please don’t say that.”
“I should have learned my lesson last time. You haven’t changed. I was naïve to think that I could trust you again.”
“You can trust me!” he says, his voice strangled, his eyes glistening. “Harper, I lov—”
“Don’t,” I instruct coldly, glaring at him. “Whatever this was between us, it’s over. For good. I can’t be with someone I don’t trust. And I will never trust you again, Ryan Jansson.”
I turn on my heel and walk away.
