He smiles, sitting back as he rests his elbows on the armrests of the chair. He watches me intently. I stare back and lose myself in his blue eyes. Ryan Jansson isin my hotel room.This is dangerous territory. And thrilling.
I swallow the lump in my throat as I take him in. His expression softens, like he understands that I’m really seeing him. His lips twitch as though fighting a smile. I suddenly feel embarrassed for staring and drop my eyes to the ground.
“What did you want to say about last weekend?” he prompts.
I nod and take a deep breath, studying the carpet. “I wanted to tell you that breaking up with Liam was exactly what I had been planning to do. What happened between us may have been a catalyst, but I didn’t want you thinking that I’m upset about Liam, because I’m not. I’m glad it’s over. And I’m only sorry that… well, I’m sorry I hadn’t broken up with him ages ago, to be honest.”
His brow furrows as he listens. “So, you don’t regret what happened last weekend?”
I startle at the idea, jolting my head up to look at him. “Between us? No, I don’t regret what happened. At all. Do you?”
“No, Harper,” he says, almost looking pained at the question.
He stands abruptly and puts his hands in his pockets, turning away to look out the window.
“You’ve been acting strange this week,” I continue. “I thought you may be cross at me or confused about the kiss.”
He shakes his head. “This week has been really painful.”
“Why?”
He hesitates and then shrugs. “I didn’t know what you were thinking.”
“I didn’t know whatyouwere thinking.”
Turning from the window to face me again, he asks, “Whatareyou thinking?”
“You first,” I insist, jutting out my chin.
“Fine.” Agitated, he runs a hand through his hair. “I’m thinking that… well, to be honest, the only thing I seem to be able to think about at the moment is you, Harper. I can’t get you out of my head. I thought I made this clear eleven years ago, but maybe you didn’t believe me or you weren’t really listening. You have no idea what you do to me. You’re beautiful, but it’s so much more than that. I’ve never been able to talk to anyone the way I can talk to you. Since Adam died, I’d always felt so closed off and alone and irrelevant. Then I met you and—you made everything feel warm and open andalive.The world seemed okay again.”
I smile up at him.
“You have no idea how amazing you are,” he goes on. “Do you realize that everyone adores you? I mean,everyone.You’re so brilliant at what you do, but it’s as though you have no idea just how talented you are. You light up every room you walk into. You somehow turn everything that’s gray and orderly into a colorful,giant jumble. You’re like this… chaotic, shiny star. I liked you so much when we were interns. Do you have any idea what that weekend we spent together meant to me? It waseverything.”
He pauses, exhaling.
Warmth pools in my stomach, and I’m rendered speechless. No one has everseenme like Ryan clearly does, and I feel a sudden urge to run over and hold him, to be close to him.
He called me a chaotic, shiny star.
My heart might just burst.
“And then I lost you,” he continues, agonized, oblivious to the enamored trance he’s put me in. “When I got the job atThe Correspondence,I knew our paths were going to cross. I thought I could handle it; what happened between us was a long time ago, and at the time, I had a girlfriend. But then seeing you… you acted like you didn’t know me, and it wrecked me. All these feelings came rushing back. I’d already had doubts over the relationship I was in—”
I gasp, clapping a hand over my mouth. “You broke up with your girlfriend because ofme?Ryan! We weren’t even speaking!”
He shakes his head. “My ex and I were in a bad place. We were trying to ignore the obvious cracks, but we both knew it was the end of the road.” He hesitates, shrugging. “But I’m not going to pretend that seeing you again after all those years wasn’t some kind of prompt for me to realize with absolute clarity that I wasn’t with the person I wanted to be with.”
My heart is racing and I can’t stop myself from smiling. He looks encouraged by this reaction and continues, his tone filled with urgency.
“Sitting next to you for the last few months, thinking that you still can’t stand me because of a stupid mistake I made a long time ago—it was fucking torture. All I’ve wanted is to pick up where we left off eleven years ago. And then that kiss last weekend. It gave me… hope.”
He takes a breath. I grip the edge of the mattress, my knuckles going white.
“Harper,” he says, looking at me pleadingly, “kissing you was the best, most incredible thing that’s happened to me, because you kissed me back. And I have spent all week wondering how you feel and if there might be hope for us, but telling myself not to get carried away just in case it didn’t mean to you what it meant to me. You’re fresh out of a breakup and I don’t want to be a fleeting fling. I want to be so much more than that to you. So I’m trying not to jump to any conclusions and to show some kind of restraint. But then here you are in…that dress.Jesus. You need to put me out of my misery. Just tell me what you’re thinking. Please.”
I stare at him, stunned, trying to process what he’s just said. A torrent of bare emotion that was so… perfect.
