“That’s the problem, right there,” I seethe, pointing my finger at her, my voice cracking as the emotion threatens to bubble over. “It’s not just the excuses, which are tiresome, Mum, really. And yeah, I did resent you for not showing up when you said you would, on multiple occasions. But it’s so much more than that! Lots of mums are busy! There are times parents can’t attend events! I knew that then and I know that now. But you can still be present for someone, even when you’re not there physically. When you couldn’t pick me up from the Peak District, you didn’t call afterward to check on me, or even try to make amends. Not once. I wasn’t a friend who you missed a coffee date with. I was a teenager, humiliated in front of her whole class because her mum stood her up. I could have forgiven you the lateness. But I couldn’t forgive you for not worrying about how I might be feeling, for not caring whether I needed you.”
“Freya,” she whispers, looking distraught. “You were so closedoff to me. You never seemed to want me around back then. I convinced myself of that.”
“You’re mymum! I needed you, whether it seemed that way or not, and it wasn’t for you to decide that I didn’t!”
Suddenly, I feel completely overwhelmed. I don’t know if it’s because it’s been a long day, or a long week, or a long summer, but something finally snaps. I can’t hold it back, as much as I try. I burst into uncontrollable, loud, heaving sobs, right there on the beach.
And, of all people, the person who wraps their arms around me and tells me it’s going to be okay is the least expected of all.
My mum.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
“The way I see it, life is full of chapters.”
I groan into my knees, hugging them closer to me. “Mum, please no kooky analogies.”
“Matthew has been there for several chapters of your book,” she continues unfazed, completely ignoring me. “Now, he’s written himself off the page. Which means you have some options. You can wait to see if he pops up later, letting the paragraphs waffle on with nothing much happening until he does. Or, you can embark into the next scene, ready to greet new characters that enter, experience a change of scenery.”
I shake my head, listening to the calming sound of the waves. We’re sitting at the bottom of the beach steps, our feet buried in the sand. I’ve stopped crying after what felt like forever, and gratefully took the tissues Mum handed me from her bag. I filled her in on everything. All the gory details of the breakup. I could have had a breakdown at any point this year in front of a number of much better suited people. Literallyanyonewould have been better.
Now I have to listen to my mum yabbering away about books and chapters.
“I’m not waiting around for Matthew, Mum,” I say, but I’m not sure I’m convincing anyone, least of all myself. “I just haven’t ‘closed the chapter’ or however you put it. We haven’t talked it out yet.”
She raises her eyebrows. “Do you want to talk it out?”
“Yes, and so does he. Or at least, he said he wanted to in that drunken phone call and then when I tried to arrange it, he never messaged me back. Maybe he’s confused, too. Which is why we need to see each other. But when the time comes, I have no idea what he’s going to say, and that’s terrifying.”
“Why aren’t you asking yourself what you want to say? What do you want, Freya?”
“I honestly don’t know. If he doesn’t want to see me, then maybe he doesn’t care. Maybe he never did. And that frightens me, because how is it possible that I’ve been with him all those years and was blind to it?” I sigh heavily. “I feel so lost.”
“Matthew is acting cruelly, Freya. It’s cruel what he’s doing. It’s selfish and unforgivable. You mustn’t let him make you feel powerless.”
“Well, he kind of stripped any power I had when he dumped me in a broom cupboard the day before our wedding.”
“He didn’t take anything from you that day. He gave you something.”
I snort. “You’re going to have to explain that one.”
“He was giving you both a chance at true happiness.”
“I was happy.”
“Yes, but if he wasn’t, then yours wouldn’t have lasted long, darling. Matthew knew how much hurt and pain he’d cause you that day, someone who never did anything but love him, and he knew how much hurt he was causing himself. All the people he’d be letting down; the things people would say about him.” She lets out a long sigh. “But he had to do it anyway, because it was the right thing to do. It could have been much worse if he hadn’t.”
I watch her closely. “You think I should be grateful to him?”
“I think, from what you’ve told me, he’s forgotten himself this summer,” she answers, peering out into the distance. “He’sputting on a good show, but underneath he’s just a frightened little boy, cowering from the consequences of his actions. If he can’t face you, Freya, it’s not because he doesn’t care. It’s because he’s afraid.”
“You really think so?”
“I know so. I know how it feels to be faced with the decision he had to make that day.”
We fall into silence, looking out across the beach.
“I keep thinking about signs I missed,” I admit eventually, biting my lip. “I analyze memories, wondering if I made it all up in my head that we were happy together.”
