She shakes her head. “You can’t make that sort of thing up. I don’t think that just because things didn’t work out in the end, all of that time together was wrong somehow or unhappy or wasted. Things change sometimes, that’s all.”
I smile to myself. “It’s funny. I told someone that recently. This guy I met, Jamie—”
“Yes, you’ve mentioned Jamie.”
“Have I?”
She nods.
“Oh.” I look back out at the sea in confusion. “Anyway, he was telling me about his sister and how he’s worried that she’s going to waste her twenties in a relationship that may not work out. It made me think about whether I’d wasted my twenties.”
“Do you think you did?”
“I’m not sure. Matthew’s thrown my life into chaos right at a time when everyone else around me seems to be finding their way and settling down. It seems so unfair. The idea of starting all over again. Maybe that’s why…” I pause, feeling my eyes well with tears again. I swallow the lump in my throat. “Maybe that’s why I’m still holding on to the hope that he’ll come back and we can go back to the way things were.”
“You can’t ever go back,” she tells me softly. “Even if you finda way to work things out together, it will be different. Not that that’s a bad thing or a good thing. It just is what it is. Neither of you can change what’s happened.”
I sigh. “I honestly can’t work out if I love or hate him.”
“Probably a bit of both.”
“I’ve had moments this summer where I’ve been genuinely happy. But then I always come back to Matthew somehow. I don’t know what that means. It’s like my brain won’t let me move on. Or maybe it’s telling me I’m not supposed to move on and I should hold out. I don’t know.”
“When someone’s meant something to you, no matter how it ends, you can’t simply erase them. They always leave something behind that becomes part of who you are.”
“So, what do I do?”
She chuckles. “Oh, I have no idea. Nobody does. It’s all very messy.”
I hesitate. “Did you ever regret leaving Dad?”
She doesn’t look shocked, but she takes her time in answering. “No, it was the right decision. But I regret how frightened I was of facing you and Adrian. I was so ashamed and I let that shame stop me from being decent. The truth is, I knew your father and I weren’t quite right the day I married him. Don’t get me wrong, I was so fond of him and I was pregnant with you, so I took the path that I was told was the sensible one at the time. But even though that’s just what you did then, it wasn’t the honest choice. And I knew that all along. Matthew was a coward for far too long, but if he had to face the truth, at least it was before the marriage. At least he didn’t say those vows and break them, like I did.”
I look down at the sand, burying my toes further into it.
“When Matthew called the wedding off, my heart”—she places a hand on her chest—“it ached for what you were going through. I knew you’d battle on, because I’d seen it before. I knewthat you’d be relying on yourself to get through the breakup. And that’s when I realized, more than ever, that I had failed you. Because the one person in life that you should have had at your side no matter what, the person you crumble in front of, it should have been me.”
I let her words sink in, unsure how to answer them. She’s right. It should have been her. After all these years, she’s officially taken responsibility for her actions.
Maybe it hasn’t been plain sailing for her, like I always assumed it was. Maybe she’s been fighting demons, too, all along.
Maybe it’s time to stop looking back.
“You’re here now, Mum,” I say gently, lifting my toes and letting the bulk of sand slip off them.
She sniffs, a tear falling down her cheek, and she reaches out to take my hand and squeeze it. “Thanks for letting me be.”
The sound of the waves rolling in has been a soothing backdrop to this surprise heart-to-heart, but I suddenly wonder how much time has passed.
“We should go back to the hotel,” I say.
“Hang on, you haven’t put your feet in the water yet.”
“So?”
“So, you should! You can’t have a midnight walk on the beach without getting your feet wet. It’s an unwritten rule!”
“Why? Then the sand will stick to my feet and it will be grainy when I put my shoes on.”
