But we don’t hear anything from Jannis or Luca. No message, no call, nothing, and it’s getting harder and harder for me to stay optimistic. The party continues around us, but Valérie and I sit in the kitchen staring holes in the wall, or in our phones, or at each other. No one says a word. Fuck hope, this is not a good sign. My thoughts wander to Mom and Dad, how they left the house laughing that night, and it stings. I can’t do this again. Tears run quietly down my cheeks.
When the kitchen door opens, Val and I jump up expectantly, but are met only by the concerned looks of Jannis’s fathers. Philipp’s eyes are red, he’s been crying, Adrien’s hair is tousled from running his hand through it so often.
“What happened? Is Noah okay?” For two seconds, I’m grateful Val is able to ask the question, then Adrien shakes his head holding his husband tightly, who is fighting back tears again.
Then everything goes black.
When I come to myself, I’m lying in our bed. Philipp is sitting on the edge of the mattress.
“Where’s Jannis?”
“With Luca, David and Louis at the hospital.” Hospital. That’s a good sign, right?
“Is Noah alive?”
Philipp nods. “He’s seriously injured, it’s too early to say anything about his prognosis, but as of now he’s alive and he was conscious.” Noah is alive.
Relief wells up my eyes. “How did I get here?”
“You had a severe panic attack, then you fell asleep. Adrien and I took you home.”
“Where’s Valérie?”
“In the living room. V didn’t want to stay alone.”
“Firas and Nael?”
“In bed. They’re fine. They don’t know why we had to leave last night.” And that’s a good thing. Nael wouldn’t get in a car for almost six months after the accident, and Firas had nightmares and cried for Mom and Dad almost every night.
Jannis is pale as a ghost when he comes back. I immediately wrap my arms around him and he breaks down crying. Not good, not good, not good. “Everything was covered in blood. So much blood. Like in a horror movie. And suddenly he screamed.” Oh no. I feel the panic rising inside me again. “He’s still in surgery, but Luca wanted to be alone.”
“Is there anything I can do for you?” I don’t know why I ask this question, I’m paralyzed and completely useless myself.
“Distract me. Make the images go away. Please.”
“Come with me.” I have no idea what I’m doing when I push Jannis into the bathroom and undress us both. As soon as the water is warm, I take him by the hand and pull him with me. He slumps limply against the tile wall, and I find my place between his legs, resting my head against his chest. In a blink of an eye he wraps his arms around me, holding me tight, and resting his forehead against mine.
My cock twitches, not because I want it to, or because I’m particularly horny, but simply because it’s right next to his and because it has ideas my head dismisses as utterly inappropriate. But Jannis reacts. A soft moan, a slight roll of his hips. “Don’t stop.”
We move slowly, rubbing against each other, forgetting reality more and more, and when we come, for a very brief moment, there is nothing but emptiness in my head.
The state doesn’t last long, reality too threatening for us to forget, but we are both too exhausted and eventually fall asleep.
Chapter 48
Dayyan
Three years later
The last two years have been tough, but we’ve stuck together and grown even closer as a family. My brothers are in the throes of puberty, which is super exhausting, but we still moved back into my parents’ house three months ago.
Jannis has one year left to complete his master’s degree in biochemistry, but I’m working, and with the orphan’s pension, child benefit, and some support from Jannis’s parents, we’re getting by just fine. The twins understand we are just as overwhelmed by the whole situation as they are, and we take our chaos with humor. Who would have thought five years ago there would be so much laughter in our house ever again?
We could’ve stayed with Philipp and Adrien, but we didn’t want to. The plan was to go back, at least it was after we knew we could keep the house after paying if off with my parents’ life insurance.
Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating here in this house. Everything still looks as if my parents could walk through thedoor at any moment. I can still smell my mother’s perfume and the mix of different spices when my father cooked.
I know it’s all in my head. Even though the furniture is still here, Philipp and Adrien cleared out most of their personal stuff for us. I just miss them.
