My heart is racing again. Maybe I should see a cardiologist after all. My father can probably recommend someone. “I’ll just get my backpack, okay?”
I quickly run into the house and while Flocke demands Jannis keeps petting her, I try to sneak past my brothers. They are kids, I get it, but they’re terribly curious when I bring people home. It was really bad with my last girlfriend; the two of them literally talked about moving into my room. I love them both, I seriously do, but a minimum of privacy is definitely not negotiable.
I close the front door behind me as quietly as possible, only to realize a moment later that all my caution was completely unnecessary. My brothers are sitting on the ground next toJannis, bombarding him with so many questions, he doesn’t even have time to answer any of them. Completely overwhelmed and with panic in his eyes, he looks back and forth between Firas and Nael, but doesn’t say a word.
“Shall we go?” Almost relieved, Jannis looks up at me and nods quickly.
“Can we...”
“No way.” I don’t need to hear the rest of the question to know what Nael wants. Disappointed, the two of them hang their heads. “You’re both already going to school, you’ve definitely met other kids. Go hang out with your own friends.”
A cautious smile twitches at the corner of Jannis’s mouth at my last word. Only very slightly, but I’m sure I saw it.
“Where do you go to school?” We’ve been walking side by side in silence for quite a while, and his quiet, deep voice startles me.
“Um, I’m not at school yet. My old school thought it’d make more sense for me to finish the school year online and take my exams so I can complete my 12th grade there. I’ll officially transfer after your Pentecost break.”
“And which school will you transfer to?”
“Goethe Gymnasium. It’s the closest to where we live.”
“That’s right. It’s my school too. Shouldn’t you be graduating this year?”
Ah, he can do math. “I started school a year later.” He looks at me questioningly, but remains silent. Theoretically, I could just ignore the“why”in his gaze, but for some reason I don’t. “I was a preemie and needed a bit more time. I’m still not a particularly good student, but I’m getting by somehow. At least it was like that in Hessen, let’s see what’s required in Baden-Württemberg.” School is a shitty subject. Nothing ever came easily to me, and I have to fight for every good grade.
“I can help you.” The words leave his lips very quietly, almost inaudibly. He doesn’t look at me, as if he’s embarrassed by his offer. I don’t understand why, but there are a lot of things I don’t understand. Because even though he was the one initiating today’s meeting, he’s not really present. A shadow surrounds him and it gets denser the longer we’re out. Sometimes Jannis still shines through, like right now, and I’d like to hold on to him, but he keeps slipping back into his darkness.
“Are you serious? That would be awesome. Are you like… a high achiever?”
“Luca is the high achiever, but I’m pretty good too.” Envy wells up in my stomach.
“Would it be okay if I asked to have as many classes as possible with you?” The idea of already knowing someone takes away at least some of my anxiety of this big new start, and his offer takes away my worries I won’t be able to keep up.
We fall back into silence walking slowly side by side while Flocke romps around us and sniffs. I turn left toward the dog area, but Jannis keeps walking. Without questioning him, I follow, trusting him. A strange feeling of safety flows into every corner of my consciousness when we are together. I don’t understand why, we hardly know each other, but as I said, there are many things I don’t understand when it comes to Jannis, and I don’t want to question my feelings. Not where they come from and not what they mean.
***
“It’s not as busy here as it is on the dragon meadow.” Via a narrow pathway through the woods we’ve reached an underground water reservoir. The entrance is a beautiful old brick building surrounded by a clearing with wild flowers andhigh grass, where Flocke is chasing butterflies. Not that she stands a chance, but it’s a nice game for her.
“It’s beautiful here. Thank you for showing me all these places.”
“Thank you for walking around with me.” Again, there is something going on that I don’t understand. His statement, combined with the tremor in his voice and the uncertainty in his eyes, which almost borders on despair, doesn’t make sense.
“I like walking around with you.” So much.
Chapter 5
Jannis
Fuck, I’m late. Dayyan and I have fallen into a daily routine as if it were the most natural thing in the world. After school, I go to the schoolyard, where he’s already waiting for me.
It’s still chaos in my head. I’d hoped so badly everything would sort itself out somehow. That the strange feeling in my stomach would go away. Dayyan and I are friends. Just friends, nothing more, nothing less. He’s nice. And he has beautiful eyes. As dark as melted dark chocolate. He’s not my type though. Too dark, too short. Right? His smile is cute, with two little dimples.
With a decisive no, I push the thoughts aside and look up at the sky.“It’s nothing, Danny. I promise. I miss you.”
Almost twenty minutes late and pretty out of breath, I arrive at the schoolyard. “I’m so sorry I’m late. Our German teacher wanted to talk about something.”
And there it is again, that easy smile that lifts the corners of my mouth without my permission.
