“My brother trained her a lot from an early age.” That’s right, that’s why she’s so attached to me. At home, without distractions, she also listens to the rest of the family, but she can only run free with me, and it’s most relaxing for me in familiar territory she knows so well that she doesn’t feel the need to go exploring.
“Can’t your dog run free?”
The boy shakes his head. “No, he’d be gone in a flash. Hercules doesn’t listen.”
I choke on my own saliva when I hear the name. At that moment, my phone vibrates. The big-eyed emoji appears under my message.
“His name is Hercules,” I quickly add, and I am rewarded with an immediate reply. This time it’s not an emoji, but Jannis’s avatar rolling on the floor, howling with laughter. That’s a good sign, isn’t it?
Two hours later, it’s clear that Hercules and Flocke probably won’t become friends, but Marvin and my brothers seem to get along all the better for it, because at some point I have two leashes in my hand and the boys disappear to the playground.
Admittedly, Hercules is cute and, once he gets that you don’t want to step on him, he’s quite trusting and cuddly. That’s difficult, because Flocke doesn’t share and I belong to her. More than once, she has pushed herself between Jannis and me when she thought we were sitting too close together for too long.
She’s not so gracious with Hercules. She keeps nudging him away from me with her snout, and no matter how loudly he growls and bares his teeth, my sweetheart won’t be deterred. I take a photo, but that’s not enough, so I send Jannis a short video. Now it’s time to wait and see.
Chapter 29
Jannis
My phone vibrates again and the corners of my mouth lift all by themselves. I don’t need to look to know that it’s Dayyan texting me. No one else does. A picture of Flocke and Dayyan’s brothers fills my screen. “Have you met my big, dangerous dog yet?”
The snorting laugh is out before I can even think about it. This morning he texted that he misses me... I feel the same way. At least in these moments when I can admit to myself how I feel about Dayyan. In these moments I’m happy when he’s messaging me. Valérie’s words spin in my head. “Danny is letting you go.”
I want to believe V so much, and sometimes I can, but other times not, it’s not that easy. Maintaining the facade is getting harder by the minute.
As long as I’m with my family, I somehow manage to fight my way through, but when I’m alone with Val, I break down. Sometimes I’d like nothing more than to swim out into the ocean until I can’t swim anymore and just drift away. Far away from all the noise in my head. So far, I’ve always rejected the idea, drowning isn’t really my thing.
“Hey, Jannis! Wanna play? We need another player.” Chrissi waves enthusiastically from the pool, and I can’t say no. Not to him, not when he volunteers for something like this.
Chrissi is the older son of Nika and Élias. At fourteen he’s two years younger than Luca and... I know it sounds stupid when I say it, but Chrissi is special. Quiet, reserved, a dancer, like his mother. He loses himself in music, but is quickly overwhelmed by normal life. Too bright, too much going on in his head. Things are better at school now, but the first few years were difficult, at least from what I’ve heard. He usually prefers to keep to himself. I nod quickly and slide into the water. “Cool. Will you play with David and me?” I give him a thumbs up to confirm.
We play against Luca, Louis, and Maxi, Chrissi’s younger brother, who, at twelve, is already almost as tall as me. His name is very appropriate.
The game is wild and completely without rules, everyone is fighting for the ball regardless of the consequences. This is what happens when people who’ve known each other for many years and have no reservations about physical contact play against each other. It’s fun and crazy and special. Louis jumps on me from behind and pushes me under the surface. At first, I’m shocked that he can jump so high, then suddenly everything goes quiet, all the is noise muffled. For the first time in days, there is silence in my head. I want to stay down here, and never resurface into this chaos that is my life right now. I close my eyes, let myself drift until two strong arms grab me and pull me back to reality.
“Are you okay? Shit, did I hurt you?”
I quickly shake my head and make the sign for okay. Louis eyes me for two more seconds, then swims back to his side of the pool.
It’s late afternoon when my phone vibrates. Valérie is looking at me questioningly and I nod.
“Why are you not texting back?”
“I already replied earlier.” Only with emojis, but no one needs to know that, right?
“This is a new message, you can reply again.”
“I know that myself, but it’s difficult.”
“Why?” There’s no judgment in their voice, just genuine interest, giving me the courage to answer honestly.
“Because I’m afraid of what it means. I feel like I’m standing between a new beginning and a farewell. I’m much closer to the farewell than new beginning—and I’m not ready to say goodbye to Danny yet. I don’t want to let go of his memories, I’m not ready yet.”
Valérie tilts their head thoughtfully and furrows their brows. “You don’t have to let go of him. He can still have a place with you.”
I must look pretty stupid right now, because Val laughs briefly. “Okay, listen. You love your parents, right?”
What a question, of course I love my parents. I don’t even want to think about what would’ve happened to me if they hadn’t taken me in and adopted me after my mother shot up some shit for the last time. I would have fallen out of the system six months ago, on my eighteenth birthday.
