“And yet your mother still has a place in your heart, even after all these years. You haven’t forgotten her.”
Phew, that’s a bold statement. I remember my mother, a person who shared an apartment with me, but there is no sadness, no pain, never has been. I remember the bottomless panic paralyzing me when they took me out of the apartment. I remember the doctors with their cold hands examining me from head to toe. I had never been touched before, at least not that Icould remember. The first warm touch in my life I received from Papa.
I pretended to be asleep when Paps and he came to pick me up. Papa gently put his hand on my shoulder and I flinched. “It’s me, Adrien. We’re going home. Everything will be fine, no matter what happens, we’ll get through it.” My stomach fills with warmth at the memory. When I think about my mother, everything remains frosty cold.
I shake my head decisively. “My mother has no place in my heart.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Val’s lips moving, but no sound emerges. “You don’t have to feel sorry for me. I’m fine. She probably saved my life with her overdose. The worst part was the adjustment, suddenly having people around me who actually care about me, who care that I’m okay, who talk to me.”
“Okay, but I know it’s different with Lou. He loves your fathers, but his mother still has that big place in his heart.” Valérie is right. “My mother will always have a place in my heart too, even if I can’t remember her.”
Valérie was still a baby when their mother took her own life, and V came to live with their fathers. “I have no images of her in my mind, no shared memories. I don’t remember if she combed my hair or dried my tears, but I am grateful for the time we had together because I know she loved me. Even though she couldn’t stay. At least not physically.”
Danny loved me too.
Danny couldn’t stay either.
“Danny doesn’t have to leave his place in your heart for Dayyan to find one. Dayyan isn’t taking Danny’s place. Everyone just moves a little closer together.”
“Promise?” That sounds too good to be true. But maybe there is no universal truth, maybe truth means something different to everyone. And if it’s true for Valérie, maybe it can be true for metoo. My heart beats a little faster, almost as if it wants to tell me, “Go for it, I can do this.”
I close my eyes and I feel them, Dayyan’s lips gently on mine. It’s hard to remember the sensation, but I know the memory is real and I know I pushed him away. “Dayyan kissed me and I just ran away. He sent me a voice message saying he fell for me, but I didn’t reply, at least not properly.”
“What do you mean, not properly?”
“I sent him a heart emoji.”
Valérie takes a deep breath. “It could be worse. Text him now.”
I shake my head decisively again. “I’m not good with words, I want to see him.”
A grin suddenly flashes across Val’s face. I’m about to ask what’s going on, but V jumps up. “I have to go. Shower. Sorry.”
It’s an excuse, and Val knows that I know it, but V is gone less than ten seconds later.
Chapter 30
Dayyan
My phone rings and an unknown number flashes on the display. Disappointed, I reject the call and put it back down. It’s very likely just another stupid call about some subscription I’ve allegedly signed up for or a lottery I’ve entered. But my phone rings again, and by the third time, I’m really pissed by the persistence of this call center employee.
“No, I haven’t signed up for anything,” I bark into the phone, more than a little unfriendly. Pretty pleased with my performance, I’m about to hang up when I hear a smoky female voice.
“Dayyan?”
“Hello?”
“Hey! It’s me, Valérie. Do you have a minute?”
“Why are you calling...” Then it dawns on me. Val is also on the island. “Is something wrong with Jannis?”
Panic rushes through my body and makes my heart race.
“No. Nothing’s happened.” Val’s voice is calm and matter-of-fact, and I find it easy to believe their words.
“Then why are you calling?”
“Jannis is missing you. Very much so.”
