“Oh, shit, did I do something wrong? Why didn’t you say anything?”
He stands in front of me with a trembling lower lip, narrowed eyes, and my heart breaks for him. “What can I do for you? Can I hold you?”
He’s struggling with himself, his face contorted and tears in his eyes. After what feels like an eternity, he nods and I don’t hesitate. I grab his hips and shoulders and pull his naked chest against mine. Jannis’s head falls on my shoulder, his arms hanging limply at his sides.
“Come on, let’s sit down.” Determined, I move us toward our towels pulling Jannis with me as I sink to the ground. Our legs end up tangled together and then Jannis is sitting in my lap. At least half of him is. His ass is on the ground, but his legs are wrapped around my hips. Through all that chaos, hishead remains firmly on my shoulder. It’s his decision and I’m certainly not going to questioning it.
We sit like this for a long time, so long that I flinch in surprise when Jannis moves. Hesitantly, he raises his hand and places it on my chest. His fingertips play with my short hair, sliding tremulously across my upper body without any direction or purpose. I don’t know what we’re doing here. Jannis seeks my closeness, and yet I have the feeling it’s tearing him apart when he allows it.
Chapter 23
Jannis
“Hey! You’re home. What happened? Dayyan sick of you already?”
“Since when do I need a reason to be home?”
Luca looks at me with raised eyebrows. “When was the last time you were home?”
Good point. “Maybe we just miss each other. You’re not at home much either.”
“Trouble in paradise?” Luca looks at me with genuine concern, no silly jokes. Fuuuck, I really can’t handle him when he’s so sweet and empathetic. He’s asking sincerely, and I can’t bring myself to bullshitting him.
“No trouble.”
“But I can tell something’s off.”
What should I say? That I screwed up, that I fell in love with Dayyan? Because yes, damn it, I did. I didn’t want to, I still don’t, but it happened anyway and I have no idea how to deal with it. “It’s difficult right now, okay?”
“Isn’t he into guys?” I had hoped alluding to my difficult situation would silence him, and I’m annoyed at my own naivety. If anything, I’ve just added fuel to the fire.
“It’s none of your business.” With just one glance, Luca makes it clear that he doesn’t share this sentiment. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
It’s bad enough that I know how messed up I am.
“Jannis...”
“I’m leaving.”
Luca is hurt as I leave him standing there. I know he means well, but what am I supposed to tell him? That I’m cheating on my dead boyfriend? Not going to happen. I look up at the sky, but there’s nothing left for me to see anymore. No blue eyes. Nothing.
I leave the house quickly, and only when I’m standing in front of Dayyan’s garden gate do I realize where my feet have carried me.
No one is home. Dayyan is on a trip with his parents and brothers today. He didn’t know where they were going, only that he didn’t have time to hang out today. Is it worth thinking about why I’m standing here? Why this is the place I come to when I can’t cope with myself anymore? What does that say about me?
I turn around to leave. It’s harder than I thought, and that’s making me so angry.
Hey Danny, I look up at the sky expectantly, but there’s still nothing there. No one.Where are you? I just want to talk to you.
The first tear rolls down my cheek, and I know it won’t be my last. My chest hurts too much.I’m so sorry, Danny. I don’t know how this could’ve happened. I didn’t want this, please believe me. My heart beats faster when I think of him, and I think of him all the time. I can’t help it, my thoughts are spinning, my feelings are completely out of control. When I close my eyes, I see him. But all I want is to be with you. I want to dream of you, lie in your arms, like I always did at night. Just the two of us.I miss you. Don’t I? Fuck, I don’t know anything anymore. I’m scared of forgetting you. Will you disappear into nothingness if I can’t hold on to you?
I wipe the tears from my eyes. Being with Dayyan feels so right, so easy. He makes me laugh. My hands get sweaty and sometimes I can’t get a word out. Not because of my mutism, but because my heart is pounding so hard in my throat. It took so long before I could talk to Danny, he was so patient, never pushed me. Even on our last day, speaking didn’t come easy to me. My guilty conscience eats deeper and deeper into my heart. It leaves a trail of destruction, gradually consuming me until I probably just fall apart at some point.
At his grave I promised Danny I’d love him for the rest of my life and never forget him, and now I’m standing here, in the exact same spot, desperately clinging to that promise that I broke long ago.“I’m sorry, Danny. I tried everything. I’m not strong enough.”
Knowing that looking up at the sky no longer works, I close my eyes, hoping to see Danny there, but the eyes I see are not blue, all I see is dark brown. No pain, just warmth and safety, and here and now it feels almost worse.
***
