A laugh escapes his lips, and I don’t know if he’s annoying or impressing me. “Oh, so it’s not you he hangs out with at school and then again in the afternoons?”
“How did you...?” I want to answer, but Luca immediately interrupts me.
“You know those things in your face? They’re called eyes, you have two of them, so do I. If they work properly, you can see with them. Crazy, right?” He looks at me and waits for an answer, but I don’t have anything quick-witted to say right now. Damn, he’s got a pretty quick tongue. “Spoiler alert: my eyes are fully functional.”
“Congratulations. Jannis and I are friends. Of course we meet up.” My voice is more biting than I intended, but I feel like he’s implying something that isn’t true. Something that may never be true. Everything feels so fragile, and I feel the need to protect what we have.
“Jannis has never had friends. What do you want from him?” Now I understand, he’s protecting him. Luca is concerned I’m taking advantage of Jannis or hurting him.
“I can only speak for myself, but I like your brother. Just the way he is.”
Luca looks at me for a long time, as if weighing my answer, then he steps very close to me, leaning over so that our noses almost touch. Damn, he’s tall. Two piercing blue eyes look down at me, and a pointed index finger jabs my chest. “Don’t hurt him, he doesn’t deserve it.”
“I won’t, I promise.”
Luca looks at me for a moment, then turns and disappears into the darkness.
Chapter 19
Jannis
“Oh my God, look at that.” I press my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing out loud.
“That’s your brother, right? And who are the others?”
Dayyan and I are sitting on a bench at the edge of the schoolyard. Behind us, Flocke is digging around in a field, and in front of us we have the best view of my brother’s latest love drama. As always, said drama is one-sided though and never on his side.
“The guy is a friend of Luca’s, the two of them play here a lot. I don’t know the girls, but judging by how enthusiastically the brunette claps every time Luca scores, I’d say she’s his crush of the week and she’ll be bitterly disappointed when he dumps her like a hot potato after they have sex.”
Dayyan turns to me with wide eyes. “What do you mean?”
“Just what I said. Luca changes partners like other people change their underwear. He says repeats are boring, but I think he’s just incredibly scared of being abandoned by someone he likes. That’s why he doesn’t get involved in anything serious.”
Dayyan’s expression is one big question mark, and it’s cuter than I’m willing to admit. “But... if that’s the case... is it common knowledge? That Luca doesn’t do relationships?”
I can’t help but laugh. “Oh yes. Everyone knows, but obviously there are still guys and girls who think everything will be different with them. So stupid.”
“Well, hope dies last, right? And... um, guys and girls?” Dayyan looks at me almost uncertainly, something in his gaze that I can’t quite grasp. Something warm, something close, something that’s only between us, something that makes my heart beat faster.
“Luca is bi. He’s never come out or anything, and I’m not even sure our fathers know because he never brings anyone home, but at school he’s never made a secret of it.” I watch Dayyan, seeing the wheels turning behind his eyes, and I’d give anything to know what he’s thinking. His dark brown eyes dart nervously between my brother and me, his gaze falls on my lips, and he takes a shaky breath.
“Are you okay?” Dayyan nods so quickly I don’t really believe him, but right at that moment, a shrill scream rings out across the schoolyard. “Whoo, baby! You’re the best!” The little brunette jumps excitedly in my brother’s arm, as he dodges her kiss, smiling half-heartedly at her.
“Ah, that’s almost uncomfortable to watch.” Dayyan contorts his beautiful face with pity, which causes his snub nose to wrinkle, and purses his lips. They are red and full, and I want to touch them. Not kiss them, just touch them and imagine how they might feel on mine.
I look up at the sky and a sharp pain shoots through my chest. The memories of the blue eyes that I hold so dear are blurring. Fear rolls over me in an unstoppable wave, penetrating every fiber of my body.Where are you, Danny? I can’t really see you anymore.My head falls back and I lose myself in questionsand thoughts.What are you doing up there? Are you lying somewhere on the beach waiting for me? Did you move on? I can’t feel you anymore. Stay with me. I don’t want you to go. I don’t want to let you go. Not completely. Not like truly forever.
I don’t get an answer. Of course not. I never do, and yet something is different, I can feel it. I search for Danny’s face, as I always do when my heart is pounding, but his blue eyes blur with the blue of the sky and something dark pushes itself into the foreground. I turn to the left, to Dayyan, and my heart beats faster. But I want to see Danny’s face when I feel like this.When my fingers tingle, I can still feel your skin on my fingertips, the goose bumps on your chest when I gently caress your flanks. It's you, isn't it?Because the tingling is changing and I’m so afraid it will disappear.Stay with me. Don’t leave me alone.
A gentle finger strokes a tear from my cheek almost tenderly, bringing me back to reality. I’m not alone. Dayyan touching me feels good, his calmness and restraint suit me, match my own pace. No pressure, just... I can’t finish the thought. I feel too bad to admit that it’s only with Dayyan I understand how much Danny overwhelmed me sometimes. Danny didn’t know, I didn’t know any better myself.Danny, stay here, let me hold you, at least what I still have of you. I’m sorry, okay, I don’t want to feel like this, I...
A strong hand pulls me into a slender body, and I know it’s wrong, but I follow and lean in, letting myself be held. I can’t resist, he feels so good. Dayyan feels so good, so right, and it’s tearing me apart.
We sit like this for a long time. Luca leaves, the girl clinging to him, but I’m sure it was their last appearance together. The “baby” has sealed her fate, she just doesn’t know it yet.
I look at my watch, time for dinner. “I don’t want to go home yet.” Dayyan massages my shoulder with his thumb, applyingjust the right amount of pressure. How does he know exactly what I need? What I like? I never told him.
“I can text my mother, then we can stay here.” Relief floods my body, completely unjustified.
