I hum back in lieu of reply.
"You don't want to go talk with them?" he asks me.
"We must have passed a bunch of them earlier tonight. Why would this one be worth seeking out?"
He huffs. "Why not?"
"I don't know, Thivoll. It's starting to feel wrong to ask people to risk their lives for a bunch of women they don't even know."
"Is that what's been hurting your heart?"
"Partly. That and not feeling like I'm helping. And, well, because I've been risking you, too."
"Have you forced anyone?"
"No," I say, drawing it out.
I know where he's going with that question, of course, but it doesn't seem so simple.
"You haven't asked anyone to risk themselves. Just being here is a risk. One you didn't cause."
"But what if they—"
I don't get to finish.
"Stop. If they didn't want to help, they wouldn't. If I didn't want to help, I wouldn't. You can't be responsible for everyone, Ree. Let each of us be responsible for ourselves."
"You mean the women, too?"
"No, I think that is a situation where our help is needed. None of you are equipped to survive here."
I clamp down on the protest that tries to bubble up about him leaving the woman to float down the river.
Instead, I make myself listen.
To make connections. To think through my actions instead of continually repeating them. For once those impulses won't just lead to low sleep and money.
They might kill me or someone around me.
I've had a version of this conversation hundreds of times.
With my parents. As part of goodbyes from lovers, explaining why they couldn't stay with me. With friends.
The most recent person in my life to point out that I can't solve everyone's problems at my expense was Tamina. In almost every situation, it was said with care and love.
I ignored them.
The suffering in the world is great and the people willing to help with it are so few. Except . . . is that really true?
Now that I think about it, that sounds really self-important.
Damn.
What's the answer then? Just focus on what's in front of me? I don't know.
"I'm not sure I can send someone else out to risk themselves," I tell him. "Not tonight."
"Well, then how about we go looking for them and instead ask them to stay?"
