With much struggle, I force a few words past the knot in my throat. “I don’t really know what my problem is. I just feel . . . off.” It’s not a complete lie, so I don’t feel guilty for saying it.
“It’s understandable.” Jacob nods and extends his hand, requesting the cigarette. I pass it on to him, although I don’t really want to share right now.
There’s still a part of me that wants some kind of intimacy with him. Maybe it’s the thirst for his blood. I want to taste it again; it was too good not to want more. And the closer I get to him, the more confused I feel. Is it him or Damien I want? Both? Owen too?
“Is there anything you’d like to talk about? Regarding the other night, I mean—” Jacob’s tone seems serious. All I do is shrug as I watch him take a puff of the cigarette and exhale the smoke. His dark hair isn’t tied on a bun as usual. Instead, it flows freely on the soft breeze’s command until he pushes it behind his ear. The roses and thorns inked on his hands somehow make them seem more delicate than they are.
He’s too good-looking. I have nothing on him.
There’s a short silence before he continues. “If you feel weird because of what happened, I’d like to know it.”
I huff out a nervous laugh. “Well, I did act a bit out of my comfort zone . . .”
“Yeah, that’s to be expected. It didn’t change my impression of you at all, though.” He hands the cigarette back to me, and I stare at it for a few seconds. “You don’t have to apologize, or feel conflicted about it, honestly. I knew it could happen. It’s in our nature.”
There’s nothing I want to say, so I concentrate on smoking and watching the red lights of the cars going by on the nearest street. I try hard not to think that the cigarette has just been between his lips, which were probably wrapped around Damien’s dick not long ago.
I don’t have to go there, for fuck’s sake.
“I would like to explain myself, if you’d let me,” Jacob says, his gaze lost in the stars above.
“Uh—yeah, sure.” I have no clue what he wants to explain, but I’d rather listen to him talk than be lost in the downward spiral of my own thoughts.
He sighs and turns his attention back to me. “Look, I could have just fed my blood to Damien. That would have been easier for all of us, I suppose. But I feel just as responsible for you as I do for him. Since Ledger took off, I’m the only one who can teach you things. And when I look at you, Killien, I can’t help but see myself.”
“What?” I speak before I can process the question in my head.
Is he trying to tell me that he regrets feeding me? What’s the point of this conversation?
“You both should have been fed vampire blood since the moment you were turned,” Jacob continues, not bothered by my tone. “Besides making you stronger, it cements the connection with your maker—or feeding partner. It’s an important part of our world, learning to trust others on such a deep level, and how to make yourself worthy of someone else’s trust too. Navigating our relationships is complicated and it can only be learnt by practice, because feeding from each other often leads to a kind of intimacy that humans don’t know or understand.”
“I guessed that, yeah.” Why am I getting impatient with him? Still, the gentle look in his eyes stays the same and it annoys the shit out of me. I wanna punch him to see if he shows another emotion.
Jacob sighs and takes the cigarette from my fingers again. “When I was turned, my maker fed me her blood every single day, sometimes more than once.” He takes the last puff of the cigarette, then throws it on the parking lot below in a slightly angry manner. “I became strong pretty quickly, and everythingwas fine until she got tired of me. In just three months, she had chosen a new guy and turned him.”
For the first time since I met Jacob, I feel his voice almost break as he speaks. There’s a lot of unresolved sadness in his words, and it strangely mirrors mine. I want to hold him, but I don’t. It would be weird, wouldn’t it?
The urge to comfort him remains, anyway. Am I no longer angry? My feelings are swinging like a damn wrecking ball about to destroy my psyche.
“She refused to feed me from then on.” He laughs darkly. “I had to watch them drink from each other while I was forced to feed from humans. The withdrawal was horrible too. Since human blood can’t give you the same kind of energy and strength, I became weak, both physically and mentally.”
Jacob stops talking for a while, his lips pressed in a thin line. He huffs, as if he’s trying to control his anger. I can’t help but stare at him. I wasn’t expecting to get this kind of information. I never thought that his story could be even more fucked-up than mine and Damien’s.
Our experience with Ledger wasn’t that bad; he just taught us to hunt and do other things for him. Sure, he made us criminals, but we were never emotionally involved, or abused. The fact that he didn’t want to feed us vampire blood seems almost irrelevant at this point, and it’s impossible to guess why he did it. He was the weirdest person I’d ever met, honestly.
“It might have been a mistake, but I couldn’t possibly do the same to you.” Jacob’s eyes meet mine, and they glisten with tears he’s trying to force back. “You need to get stronger, Killien. The world out there is ruthless. Even if it’s hard, I’ll keep feeding you if it’s necessary. And I promise, I won’t let you do anything you’ll regret.”
I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. My emotions flare up, and I’m suddenly crying silently. Why thefuck am I crying? Who knows? I certainly don’t. Maybe I was moved by his story. Maybe I really want something with him and it hurts to feel rejected, like he only wants to feed me out of pity. Maybe I just see myself for what I am right now—an annoying third wheel. It doesn’t matter.
“Well—I’m not going to force you to do it, though,” he says.
“I—I appreciate it,” I stutter.
Fuck! How could Damien not fall for this man? He’s perfect.
I’m never getting my brother back.
I freeze, tears sliding down my cheeks silently. What was that last thought? I don’t know how to react to my own bullshit. Maybe I should just leave. Damien will be fine without me. It’s not like he needs me to take care of him anymore.
