I debated whether to unburden myself of the truth. He clearly thought I was the heartless bitch I’d painted myself as. But it wouldn’t be fair to do it now when Zane had moved on and set crystal clear boundaries. What would it accomplish?
The lights went down and the crowd started to scream below us. I watched the darkness, our conversation secondary to the anticipation of seeing Zane step onstage again. How many times had I thought about going to one of his shows just to get a hit of that magic?
A spotlight appeared, illuminating Zane. I’d seen him minutes ago, knew what he was wearing, had kissed those full lips…and I still wasn’t ready.
I knew what he was going to sing, but tried to shut out the memories and just be present.
When he took a deep breath and sang the opening lines of “Stop,” my whole body shook.
I’d loved him then.
In many ways, I was still getting to know who he was now, but my feelings weren’t locked away as tightly as they needed to be.
I hated him for writing this song, for translating my feelings into music and sharing them with the world like he’d stripped me naked and put me on display.
I loved him for writing this song, for earnestly capturing the exact way it felt to tumble off the precipice with him the first time.
It had been real.
What if I’d let him quit the tour and come back to LA with me? This song, this crowd, this band…none of it would exist. Would any of it have mattered if we’d made it?
What if I was wrong?
He’d been twenty-fucking-one about to give up his dreams for me and I loved him too much to let him. There was no scenario in my head where I would’ve let him do it.
Had there been another way to convince him? Had I chosen the nuclear option too quickly?
It was only when Kelly put an arm around me that I realized tears were pouring down my cheeks.
Shit.
“Does he know where we’re sitting?” I asked in Kelly’s ear. Zane didn’t need to see me blubbering over him. We’d made a deal with clear boundaries even if some of those boundaries had been shaken by the intensity of our chemistry. He’d misinterpret it and think he’d hurt me when all of this hurt was my own stupid fault.
Kelly shook his head and I leaned into the comfort of his chest, never taking my eyes from Zane.
When Zane started the new single, which was somehow even sexier with just him on a guitar, I stood up and made my way to the railing in front of us. I danced and cheered along with the rest of the crowd. When the lights flicked out to the audience, he looked up and saw me singing along to the words I’d had stuck in my head for months. I would’ve endured the viral humiliation of that video all over again just to have been the cause of the enormous smile on his face in that moment.
He gave me a tiny wink as he sang the final words.
You deserve thistook on a different meaning and the last of my resentment melted away. As he sang it to me like we were the only people in the room, I knew it meant something different now.
You deservethis.
When I sat back down, Kelly looked uncharacteristically serious. “Thank you.”
“Didn’t do it for you,” I said with a nudge.
We watched one more song, then made our way backstage again. In the tiny dressing room, I peered into the mirror, wiping the smudged eyeliner from under my eyes and fixing my mascara.
Kelly was studying me, but I couldn’t look at him.
He eventually said, “This whole time…he’s had it wrong. You didn’t do it because you didn’t feel the same. Why then?”
Shit.
“I had to. He was going to leave the tour and blow his career.”
He raked a hand through his hair, pacing in the small space. “So you did it to push him away for his own good? And let him think all this time it was because you weren’t into him like that? Fuck, Maia. It fucked him up.”
