Chapter 31
Hawk has been weird since the other night. He refused to talk to me the next morning as he promised. I've tried to talk to him several times after that, but he keeps brushing me off. I know he's pissed and hurt and frankly, I can't blame him. I know what I did was wrong on so many levels. I'm just hoping that once he lets me explain, he'll understand.
We're leaving for New York today. I really want to stay home, but Emma has really pushed for me to go. I'm not comfortable going without talking to Hawk first, so I’ll make a point to do that before we get on the road.
Everything is packed. We're only staying a few days, so Ice has instructed all of us to pack light as we're taking the bikes. Luckily for us girls, Hawk, Ice, and Rebel have luggage racks for their bikes. I assume I am still riding with Hawk.
About an hour before we're scheduled to leave, Hawk and Spike show up and begin taking bags out to the bikes. When they are done, I say to Hawk, "Before we leave, can we talk?"
"Honey, not now."
He turns to walk away and I grab his arm. "Nope, not gonna work. We're talking before I get on that bike with you." He looks down at my hand on his arm and I say, "Surely you can spare me a few minutes."
He shakes his head in disgust and says, "Fine." I tug on his arm to follow me and we proceed up the stairs to my room. Once we're behind closed doors he says, "Ok, talk."
"I want to talk to you about the other night."
"I figured as much."
"Look, I'm not sure what you heard or saw, but I want to make it clear that I don't want Sainte. Actually, I can't stand the asshole."
"And what about Ice?"
"We're friends."
"You seem more than friends to me. Not from him, but from you. You've spent so much time over the last couple of weeks worrying about him and Emma, as if you had a vested interest on whether their relationship succeeded or failed."
"The only vested interest I have is that I thought Emma was cheating on him."
"That's what you keep telling yourself, but that isn't the case, is it? You still have feelings for him, and you need to deal with those feelings."
"I'm not in love with him, not the way you think. You don't get it—he saved me. He gave me a home, a job, and a fucking family. I feel as if I owe him, or that we have some sort of bond, he and I."
“The only bond you have with him is friendship and you need to accept that. You spend too much time worrying about his life, his relationship with Emma, and her relationship with Sainte. It's a fucking triangle and there is no room for me in it. And frankly, I'm tired of watching it.”
He sits down on the bed and begins to rub at his temples. I sit down next to him and take his hand. "Hawk, I don't want either of them. I want you."
He looks over to me and I can see a sadness in his eyes. "Because I'm safe?"
“You say that as if it is a bad thing.”
“Isn’t it?” he says sadly.
"No, it’s not."
"You know what I think?"
"No, I don't, but whatever it is, you're wrong."
He laughs. "You don't know what you want. You've been in love with Ice for so long, you don't know how to love someone else. And then Sainte comes along with all his charms and you just don't know how to handle him. So you get defensive with him and use hate to push him away. Hate is a very strong emotion. I believe he scares you and so yes, you gravitate to me because I am safe. But I don't want to be safe. I want the woman I love to look at me with fire and passion in her eyes. I want her to look at me the way you look at him. I want a woman who will kiss me as passionately as you kissed Sainte the other night."
"So you saw the kiss?"
"Yes, I did, and it made me realize that you and I will never have that passion. I love ya, but maybe because you're safe for me too."
"So we're not even going to give us a chance and see where this goes?"
He shakes his head. "We're not. I know in my heart that it would be a waste of time. After watching you and Sainte the other night, I truly believe he is the man for you."
