“Makes sense. I tend to try to think or endgame things, like how I see my life in five years and how I can make that happen in three,” I muse. I’ve always been this way. I have a future plan, but I always want to find a way to make things happen right this second.”
“Don’t borrow stress, okay? We need to find a way to lessen your stress, especially with the baby coming.”
“You’re right.” I nod. “The baby needs to be my focus.”
“How did you feel when you found out you were pregnant?”
“Scared shitless.” I laugh. “We were safe, and I had just been swept off to a house I didn’t know. I panicked that Adam didn’t want to see me. Or, hell, I thought maybe something really bad had happened to him when we … parted. Like him getting really hurt, and I don’t think I was ready to learn one way or the other. I made myself take a couple of weeks to just sit on the news. I made a promise to myself that if I saw Adam again, I would be honest.”
“But you weren’t going to go out of your way to tell him?”
“I ...” I pause. Is that why I didn’t ask Lex after he initially asked if I wanted to see Adam? “I don’t think I made a conscious decision about it, but thinking back, maybe I avoided it.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“Fear, obviously.”
He nods for me to continue and dig deeper.
“I was scared he would leave me, like everyone, else once he found out,” I whisper.
“Who else left you?”
“My brother.”
“He didn’t leave you intentionally, though.”
“Didn’t he? He chose to use. He chose to get involved with a man who is known for taking advantage of people.”
“Addiction is hard to justify from the outside. Once you’re in the thick of it, no one can make you do something different unless you choose to. He didn’t want to get out yet, and that’s not on you. Someone took advantage of him being in a vulnerable position and sunk him deeper. But somewhere along the way, your brother needed to take responsibility for his role in his life.”
“But he never got the chance because he died.”
“Unfortunately, that happens more than we would like. His addiction is not your fault. His death is not your fault.”
Tears drip down my chin as someone completely removed from my life tells me that none of this is my fault. I think, on some level, I’ve already felt like it was. Like Charlie was my responsibility and I failed him.
“I never grieved him,” I say through my sobs as I grab a tissue.
“Bereavement isn’t a straightforward process. There is no ‘hit step one, move onto to step two, and then by step ten you’re good to go’. You focused on having some control over the situation, therefore putting your grieving on hold. At some point, it just bubbles up, though.”
“Right now,” I mumble.
“Because you’re choosing to do the work. That involves feeling the grief you never did for your brother.”
“Feeling things sucks.”
“It can be very therapeutic, though. You’re here for your child, and that’s one of the best reasons to start working on healing yourself. I won’t lie, though; it’s going to be hard.”
“Yeah.”
“We’re almost out of time, but I’d like you to do some homework for me.” He scoots forward in his chair.
“Okay.”
“I want you to write a list of things you miss about Charlie. Things you think about throughout the week that you wish hecould experience with you. This is about remembering him as he was, not only associating him with the drugs.”
I already feel pangs in my chest, thinking about the assignment. Craig is right, though. I’ve avoided all things Charlie, and I don’t think I can any longer. Not if I truly want to work on myself.
