This is just the start, but I hope with everything I was, am, and will be that it works out for us.
Chapter 29
Claire
It’s been three weeks since the ultrasound that changed everything, and today is another huge step.
I’m moving into a new apartment. It’s a small studio, but it’s mine. Adam’s team set the whole thing up. Paid for the first and last month’s rent so I could have my own place, and I have plans to pay them back immediately.
“This is all you have?” Adam asks cautiously. He’s stayed with me in the safe house more often than not, so he should realize I have next to nothing to my name.
“Umm, yep. Unfortunately, I couldn’t bring all my nice furniture with me when I transferred to becoming a stripper.” I smirk.
“That’s not what I meant.” He’s flustered.
I love making this man flustered. He’s so different from how Chris was. I have to say I freaking love it. He’s generous and a little introverted. He’s not a ladies’ man at all, and I’ve grown more confident, knowing that he won’t judge me and my slightly neurotic healing process.
I won’t say I’m better, but I am working on things. My blog is still up and collecting more profit, so I’m not without income at least. I’m taking Adam’s suggestion of leaning into the history side of things, but there is so much damn research that it’s slow going. I get overwhelmed and have to remember why I’m doing this. Charlie would have absolutely loved this direction and may have even jumped on board if I had done this earlier. The napping hasn’t slowed down either, which is probably the culprit of why I’m not getting more done. Growing a baby is hard as hell.
Speaking of the past, I have an appointment with a therapist this afternoon.
I’m freaking out, though. I have no clue where to start, what to talk about, or how to even process shit. I’ve talked extensively with Adam and his team about what I can and can’t talk about, so that’s at least some helpful direction. But with only about three months until the baby is here, I need to get to a place where I feel more comfortable bringing a new person into the world. Right now, it feels like Adam is beyond ready and I’m just along for the ride. This baby needs both of us healthy in order to thrive. Not a mom who is barely hanging on by a thread.
“You ready?” Adam asks as he picks up my purse, opening the front door. He insisted on driving me, just in case it’s a hard session, so I don’t have to drive home sobbing.
“No, but yes.” I sigh.
“I’ll be right there in the waiting room if you need me.”
He’s almost too sweet. I know I should be grateful and happy that I’m having a kid with this type of man, but damn, it’s just so overwhelming—hence the therapy.
“I know.”
The drive is relatively short, considering it’s in the city, and in a matter of minutes, I’m sitting on a couch in Dr. Ewing’s office.
“Welcome, Claire. My name’s Dr. Ewing, but you can call me Craig. Let’s start with what brings you here today.”
Then I word vomit entirely too much information, but I can’t stop.
“… and I feel like I’m this weird limbo where I don’t deserve anything, yet I need to get my shit together because this one isn’t going to wait for me work through my shit. And Adam has just been the best since he found out. Fully ready for the baby, getting gear and furniture. Although, God knows where we’re going to put it.”
“Claire,” Craig says when I come up for air. “Take a breath. There is a lot to go over here. I want to start by recognizing that there have been a lot of changes in your life recently. Finding a new ‘normal’ will take time, and not everything will be solved before your baby gets here.”
I nod, really trying to take in his words.
“I also want to say something about Adam. I don’t know him, nor do I know how he feels, but I would venture an educated guess that he also doesn’t feel ready for this baby. He only just found out, and he is probably still processing things. Not to put words or feelings in his mouth or head, but I encourage you to talk to him about how he reallyisfeeling instead of assuming.”
“You’re right. I did assume because he’s much more … level-headed than I am right now.”
“It could be a front. From what you’ve told me about your time as Nova, you’ve had to put on many faces. You said he was undercover.” He gives me a knowing look.
“Okay, so talking. I can do that.”
“I also want you to work on taking things one at a time. Do you feel like you’re overwhelmed a lot?”
“So much.” I chuckle. “I’m beginning to think I’ll nevernotbe overwhelmed.”
“This will be a long process. It won’t change overnight, but I would like to see you start counting to ten in your head—or out loud if that helps you more—when your thoughts start to race. Itcan help you slow down and focus on what the actual problem is.”
