She eyes me for a second, her eyes shifting to my eye before looking at her computer. “Room 312.”
“Thanks.” I head in the direction of the signs, stopping when I get to his room.
By happenstance, or just the universe helping me out, his room is empty of visitors.
I softly knock on the doorframe, drawing his attention.
“I was wondering if I would see you,” he says with absolutely no inflection.
“I can leave if you are companied out …”
“Nope, you’re good. Sit.” He gestures to the empty chair next to his bed.
He actually looks better than I thought he would, although he’s still in bad shape. Bandages cover a lot of his body, and what isn’t covered has smaller nicks to the skin that haven’t fully healed yet.
It’s harder than I thought it would be to see. It’s not the first time I’ve been in a hospital room with one of Tennison’s victims, but this is the first time that I’ve known them personally and am actually friends with them.
“I feel like ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t cut it,” I say quietly.
“Good pun. I liked it.” He smirks.
“Fuck, I’m sorry.” I groan.
“Just giving you shit. You know you don’t have anything to apologize for, man.”
“I have a million things to apologize for. All of this is because of me. Tennison’s goal was to get to me, and he did and took you down at the same time. That should have never happened.”
“Did …” He visibly gulps. “Did others get better?” His voice is so timid my heart breaks.
I could tell him a multitude of things. I could tell him it gets better, that I’ve seen people heal fully, but I can’t do that to him. He needs honesty as much as I do right this moment, I think.
“Some. Others, not so much. I learned something while I was in that cabin, though, that might have affected those outcomes. Tennison told me he would visit them … after the fact. I can’t imagine it’s easy to heal when your demon keeps coming back to haunt you.”
“Jesus.” He wipes under his eyes discretely.
“He really fucked everyone up,” I murmur.
“Do you think I’ll be okay?”
“Yeah, Len. I think so. It’ll take work and time, but I think you will.” I grab his hand, squeezing it.
He clears his throat, squeezing my hand back before pulling away and wiping his face. “And what about you and Will?”
I scrub my hand over my face again. “I’m not entirely sure. I messed up, badly, and I’m not sure what I should do.”
“You want to hear the opinion of someone incapable of punching you, like I’m assuming Ledger did?” He arches his eyebrow.
I trace the edge of my eye and laugh. “I would like that very much.”
“Drop the guilt. No matter how it happened, a monster is off the streets because of you and Willow. I would never blame you or hold you in any way responsible, so neither should you. Do whatever you need to do to get your head right, and go after that woman. Don’t let your past or this sense of unworthiness take over. You are a good man. Hell, you’re a great man. I would trust you with my life ten times over, and that’s considering my current position.” He motions to his body. “Don’t lose her because you can’t get out of your head long enough to talk to her. You know how she is; all you need is to be open, and the two of you can overcome anything. Talk to her. Don’t give up.” He pauses. “If you don’t give up, I won’t either.”
It’s like he physically shot me.If you don’t give up, I won’t either.
I nod as the tears fall again.
He has no reason to be on my team, no reason to support me in any way. And yet here he is, making a promise I want to keep. I don’t want to give up Willow, just like I never want him to give up on himself, on life.
Somehow, it’s the clarity I need. It’s not forgiveness because he doesn’t feel like I have anything to apologize for.
