“I think—” He pauses, trying to gather his thoughts. “I think this is going to fuck me up for a long time. I don’t know how I’ll ever be ableto just … talk about it.” “Oh, Len,” I whimper. It hurts. He’s so calm, so disconnected, and it frightens me. I don’t know how to help him.
“I can’t say I’ll be fine because… Fuck.” He tips his head back. “I don’t think I’ll be fine, Will. This sucks. All of it.”
“I know,” I barely get out over the sob. “You know I’ll be here every step of the way. I’ll help you however I can. I’ll bug you when you lock yourself away. I’ll bring you burgers every day. Whatever you need.” I reach out and squeeze his hand, wordlessly giving him as much support as I can.
He squeezes back, and when I look up at him, I see the tears streaming down his face.
We cry together for a while. I’m not sure how long we sit there, but it’s cathartic as hell for me. This crying feels helpful, productive. Yesterday’s just felt uncontrollable and chaotic, so I like the change of pace.
“How are you doing, Will?” Lennox asks when his tears dry up a little.
“I honestly have no clue. I haven’t had a chance to just sit and process everything. After I left you yesterday, I went to Oakley. Then the doctors hijacked me because I was in shock.”
“What does that mean?” He’s worried, and I’d laugh if this were any other situation. He’s still in the hospital yet he’s more worried about me.
“Basically, they admitted me, gave me meds that forced me to sleep and calm down.”
“Jesus,” he mutters.
“It’s definitely not something I recommend. But hey, just more material to work with for a future book,” I deflect.
“It’s okay to not have all the answers, Will. Take time. Figure shit out. Lord knows everyone is going to need time to decompress from everything. You don’t owe anyone anything, okay? You don’t owe me burgersevery day or stopping your life because you feel like you’re obligated to help and support me. I’m a big boy. I can handle things, and I promise if I need help, you’ll be my first call.”
I don’t know how to respond to him because I know whatever I say, he won’t really hear. He’s in the thick of huge trauma, and I believe he wants to think he’ll call if he needs help, but there are no guarantees. He knows I’m a call away, and while he’s in the hospital, I’ll bring him things to take his mind off of the healing he’s doing and still needs to do.
For now, that’s enough.
We spend the next few minutes talking about what the next steps for him are before the nurse comes in to check his wounds. I leave with the promise to stop by before I go home to sleep.
Wandering the halls of the hospital is eerie. So many stories here, both good and bad. People having babies, people going through the hardest times in their life, all under one roof. It also strangely feels like the perfect place to just think. I eventually find myself in a little seating area off in a secluded part of the hospital with no one in it. I sit in one of the chairs and relax for what feels like the first time in years.
The one thought that hits me with striking clarity is the fact that I’m in love with James Oakley. I know, sooner rather than later, I need to tell him too because if this has taught me anything it’s that time isn’t a guarantee. Why waste any more time than we already have? And on the off chance he doesn’t feel the same, then at least I know. But I truly believe that’s not the case.
I know he’ll have more demons to conquer because of Tennison, but I’ll be right by his side if he’ll have me.
Hell, we can make it a year of healing. I can take time off of writing, and we could travel and get away to disconnect from everything thathappened here. I’ll still be a phone call away for Lennox and able to come back at any point.
This could absolutely work.
My fictitious plans are interrupted as voices get closer.
“What the fuck are you doing?”Ledger.
“Leaving.”Oakley.
“Yeah, no shit. I can see that. What the fuck are you doing to Willow?”
“She doesn’t need me here fucking things up for her. She’s strong, stronger than she’ll ever know.”
I don’t hear a reply, but I do hear the sound of bone crushing into bone.Lovely.
“Maybe that’ll knock some fucking sense into you. You don’t get to hurt her. You get to man the fuck up and face this shit.”
The sound of footsteps walking away is all I hear. I stand up, making my way around the little corner separating us, and find James rubbing his right eye.
“Don’t make decisions for me.”
He startles, looking up at me with guilt all over his face.
